Things Happening To
by Temari 88
Summary: New version of 'Ten Things You'll Never Hear Coming From...': prepare yourself to read about events you'd never imagined happening in the Naruto world! Crack, OOC! Have fun! XP
1. Naruto

_**4/13/2010  
EDIT!!!!**_

_**AS I SAID, I'M RE-WRITING A FEW CHAPTERS I DIDN'T LIKE! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE, SO READ IT AGAIN: I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND IT BETTER THAN THE FIRST VERSION (it's longer too :P)!**_

_**About this new chapter 1: I am a yaoi fangirl - got no problem admitting it :P - but even so, there is ONE pairing I CANNOT DIGEST because I simply HATE IT and I think it's absurd to put the two in that kind of relationship... and Naruto agrees with me, I'll let you know! LOL Can't say anything else, but you'll find out soon enough :D**_

_**Ja ne,  
Temari 88**_

* * *

_Hello everybody!_

_Due to some problems regarding my inattentiveness toward the guidelines and the zeal of a user, I came to the conclusion that, as to not downright delete 'Ten things...', leaving it unfinished, I just needed to bring forward a little change in its structure, hence this! ^^_

_"This" meaning adding a drabble to each chapter so that the 'story' part that is required is met, but keeping also the sentences that previously composed my crack-ish fanfiction._

_I'll try to choose, from the list in each chapter, a couple of 'things you'll never hear coming from...' and built around them something with an actual plot (sorta XP), hoping to maintain the humorous aura of the original fiction._

_I'd like to thank __**Lerryn**__ (for giving me this idea), __**Usa-san**__, __**The Dark Knight**__ (I won't disable anon reviews for such a thing, don't worry ^^ I never intended to) and __**Koizumi Romi**__ for the kind words, the offers of help and everything :D  
And a BIG thank you also to everyone who reviewed 'Ten things...': I really hope you'll like this version as well, if not more! LOL_

_**Disclamer:**__ I own nothing..._

_What else can I say...? __Oh, enjoy!!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**NARUTO**_

"_Today's a beautiful day…"_ thought Naruto, walking through the streets of Konoha.

The sky was an intense blue, free of any cloud that might have disturbed the perfection and there was a nice breeze cooling down the almost summer-y temperature a few notches – it was quite hot for it being only late April – making the outdoors strolling perfectly enjoyable; as an added bonus, there hadn't been any problems for awhile now and that, in a shinobi village like Konoha, was always good news: the boredom of not having much to do was fully worthy the huff every now and then, because being busy often meant trouble… so, yes, for once having time on your hands was comforting even to someone such as Naruto, who was well known for his hyperactive attitude.

It was a sort of vacation. A _well deserved_ vacation. After all he, Sakura and Kakashi had just returned from a mission to Suna, where they'd had to help the Village Hidden in the Sand to find and bring back their Kazekage who had been kidnapped by Akatsuki – Naruto was still very susceptible about that topic: he was angry at himself for not having prevented Gaara's death – and since Kakashi was bound to the hospital bed for the prolonged use of the Sharingan, Tsunade had left the other two a couple of days to relax.

The blond teen was thinking on dropping by Ichiraku Ramen – it was lunchtime and he still had not eaten anything. A few feet from the food stand, he noticed Sakura's back from behind the small red curtains and with a smile on his lips, Naruto reached his team mate and sat beside her; the pink-haired kuniochi was absorbed with what was in front of her, though, so she failed to see the other's arrival… said lad, pouting at being ignored, leaned forward a bit to peer over the girl's shoulder and see what had captured Sakura's attention so thoroughly: it was a weird-looking machinery like anything he'd ever seen – it was something similar to a book of sorts, opened horizontally, with a number of buttons each labeled with a letter on the lower part and a screen like the ones used during chunnin exams (only much smaller) on the upper part, where he could see images moving about.

_"__Weird… what's that stuff…?"_ thought Naruto, before speaking up and snapping the pinkette out of her reverie. "Sakura-chan… what's that?"

"Huh??" Sakura abruptly lifted her head with a glare at the ready for whoever had dared to interrupt her just as the best part was coming up, only to notice Naruto looking back with an eyebrow raised and a curious face. _"Damn it…!!" _she cursed inwardly, blushing a tiny bit and quickly closing the 'book' before answering. "Ah… Naruto. This is, uh, a computer… a laptop, to be precise…"

"Computer…??" echoed Naruto, clearly not understanding. "What's a 'computer'? Never heard about that…"

"Well it's… uhmm…" Sakura didn't know how to explain it – it was a rather new object for her too and she wasn't much more familiar with it than her blond team mate. "It's a sort of machine that – uuuh – stores information without needing scrolls or paper…?" somehow the explanation ended up becoming a question.

"……" a minute of silence from Naruto's part, then "Wow! Really?! That's awesome..!!"

The girl was pretty sure Naruto hadn't actually understood the concept, but thought it was better to let it slide; instead, going against any type of logic, she decided to lend the machinery to him so that he could get up to date with the developing technology – Naruto and technology…? Well, I _did_ say it was against any logic, didn't I? "Listen, Naruto… if you want, I could let you have it for a while: I'll be busy at the hospital so I won't have time to use it…"

"Are you serious?!" at the kunoichi's nod, the blond started jumping up and down on his stool. "Thanks so much, Sakura-chan!"

"But," she interrupted him, her forefinger raised in a warning gesture. "be sure to read the instructions before using it: I don't want you breaking it."

Naruto just nodded vehemently, giving his word to be careful, with a huge smile on his face and already thinking of all the possibilities awaiting him. "Don't worry, Sakura-chan!"

-x-

True to his word, Naruto – surprisingly – had read through all the instructions to successfully use a 'computer', finding out also about the 'Internet': a way to surf the 'net' and see things from all over the world without stepping out of the door… the perspective thrilled him (even if he didn't know what all those term meant exactly) and he couldn't wait to try the strange thing out!

Finally ready, the blond teen turned the computer on and, as he had read, tried the 'hard disk' to see if there was anything interesting; there he saw a dozen or so yellow folders… in their midst, apart those labeled with strange medic-connected names, he found one named 'FICTION' and curious – not listening to that rational part of his mind telling him he should not put his nose into his team mate's personal files – he opened it… inside were a number of _Word_ documents.

Opening one at random, the young shinobi found himself reading what looked like a story… a story starring… him and… and— _"N-no! T-t-that's not p-p-p-possib-ble…!!"_ Naruto was so shocked he couldn't stop the stutter even in his head. The teenager quickly went back to re-read the passage, certain he had got that wrong, because he just couldn't believe that Sakura would do something like that to him… but even after the third time reading it, he still came to the same conclusions. _"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! M-m-m-m-me a-and Sa-Sasuke-teme?!?! Are you kidding meeee?! I don't even like him!!"_ Naruto continued to swear and curse in his mind, disbelieving, while scanning quickly the remainder of the 'story' only to screech to a halt at a point that, he was absolutely positive, will hunt him in his dreams until the end of time: a sex scene, between him and his former team mate…!!

Once the deeply rooted disgust faded a bit, a boiling anger rose in its place. **"SAKURAAAA!!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!!!"**

-x-

All the way on the other side of the village, at the hospital, Sakura felt a cold shiver run down her spine. "I hope Naruto will stay away from my folders…" she hoped, worried.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Naruto**_

_**1)**_ "Ramen? Nah, thanks but I prefer some HEALTHY vegetables!" _[holding a bowl with salad]_

_**2)**_ "Becoming Hokage…?? Absolutely not! My greatest dream is to become an engineer!"

_**3)**_ "Hinata is always talking! She never shuts up!" _[frowning]_

_**4)**_ "Sasuke and I have never been enemies, are you kidding?!"_ [shocked]_

_**5)**_ "I passed the academy exam after 3 days of school!"

_**6)**_ "Orange?! I would NEVER EVER in my life wear something orange: it's the most offensive color existing!"

_**7)**_ "I always disliked Sakura…"

_**8)**_ "I defeated Gaara without getting a scratch." _[superiority complex]_

_**9)**_ "Jiraya has never spied on women at bath houses."

_**10)**_ "Kakashi is the first to arrive at an appointment."


	2. Sasuke

_Hello everyone!_

_I don't want to waste time: I'm planning on arriving at chapter 28 in no time! :D_

_For this reason, here's Sasuke's chapter! __LOL_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**SASUKE**_

It was a quiet early afternoon.

The streets of the hidden village of the Fire Country were partly empty – it was lunch time, after all, so everyone was home (or in inside a restaurant) to eat their meal. In the shade of a particularly small but somewhat cozy ramen booth a lonely soul was brooding over a large bowl of noodles, under the eye of the owner of said stand: Teuchi-san.

"Oi, ossan… what do you think of me…?" came the sudden question.

"Hoh? Why this question…? You're usually so self-assured…"

"I d'know… it's just… so strange…" the old man was gazing closely – but discreetly, mind you – at his customer.

"What is strange, if you don't mind me asking…"

"Everywhere I went today, people - kids my age especially - stared at me funny; my classmates continued to snicker and point and _**laugh at me**_!!" said the distraught boy, looking at Teuchi with pleading eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry boy… why is that?"

"The heck I know!! Every time I asked for an explanation they just waved a hand at me and walked away…" a few minutes of silence, then the young customer stared at the owner of the ramen stand, eyes wide and brimming with tears.

"MAYBE I'VE MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF…! I'm good for nothing, I should've known!!! Bwaaah…!!! That's it, I'm going home to huddle in my corner…!"

The crying boy stood up, paid for his meal and turned to get out of the stand, Teuchi-san staring at him… or better, staring at the boy's back, where a piece of paper was attached to the dark blue t-shirt he wore.

_"No __wonder people looked at him strangely and kids his age made fun of him…"_ thought the old man shaking his head in disbelief and amusement.

On the white paper, this was written:

**-----------H  
UCHIHA SASUKE  
--H----S--I-T  
--I-----S--RY  
--C----E----L  
--K----D----E  
--E  
--N**

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Sasuke**_

_**1)**_ "I fell for Sakura the first time I saw her." [_hearts in his eyes]_

_**2)**_ "I will never be strong enough!"

_**3)**_ "Power does not interest me, I'm for peace!" _[distributing stickers with the 'Make love not war' motto]_

_**4)**_ "I have no intention of killing my brother: I love him so…!" _[squeezing Itachi like a teddy bear]_

_**5)**_ "I'm a happy-go-lucky person."

_**6)**_ "I love orange!"

_**7)**_ "I want to become Hokage!"

_**8)**_ "My hair style really sucks, it'd be best to change it: I look like an idiot."

_**9)**_ "I love my village too much to ever think of betraying all my friends to go after a supposed paedophile to get stronger thanks to weird pills!" _[paling even more than what he already is]_

_**10)**_ "I'd die before I'd hurt my best friend Naruto!"


	3. Sakura

_Hello! :D_

_I'm here again! This is going, for me, easier than I thought it would have gone: ideas come fast, which is good! :P_

_Oh, I'll probably change the order of the characters from the next one onward: I'll have three-man-cell and its sensei; so the first three chapters we've had team 7 and the next character will be Kakashi-sensei, and so on... alright? ^^_

_I hope I'll reach 100+ reviews also with this...! *o*_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**SAKURA**_

' _To my _one_ and _only_ love,_

_Hello – for starter__! I know I should probably tell you who I am; it's only polite of me to let you know who I am… but,_ please_, don't mind this little rude thing of mine: I _WILL_ write my name – at the end of this letter – so please go on reading until the end because this is, for my small teenaged heart really, really, really _VERY_ important: I'm exposing myself here, you know!_

_So. I'll start telling you this: I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! Madly. Every time I have a lesson with Suzuka-sensei (*) about ikebana and picking up flowers, I always think of what would go along with your gorgeous skin and hair and eyes – which are, by the way, so deep I could pretty much _drown_ in them – so I always end up being the last to finish my task…_ _**but that doesn't matter at all!!**_

_At Valentine's Day, this year, I was wandering if it would have been a good idea to give you some choco… I thought about it so much, I forgot to study for the exam we had to do that week (and ended up almost failing miserably; __**but that doesn't matter!**__) and finally decided to give you nothing – too embarrassing!_

_Now, our last year of academy together is nearing its end and who knows what will become of you and me…? These years, looking at you secretly from the corner of my eye, have been really precious for me: I treasure them greatly._

… _I guess the time has come for you to know who I am… I'm so nervous to write this down!!_

_Loving you immensely,_

_Sakura-chan (xoxo) __'_

-x-

The boy was staring at the love letter with tears in his eyes; he couldn't believe it! Sakura loved him…! He had never been this happy in his whole (short) life! The boy walked away holding the letter to his heart, a huge smile on his face.

From a corner of the street, a pink-haired twelve-years old girl was grinding her teeth in rage and anger (for once her inner personality was completely agreeing with her) at the boy walking away with her letter.

"Dammit! It shouldn't have ended this way, fuck!! Idiot _**Sasuke**_ wasn't supposed to find the letter…!! Those words where for my dear _**Naruto-kun**_!!!!!!!"

* * *

_(*) Made up :P_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Sakura**_

_**1)**_ "Sasuke? Oh, don't talk to me about him: I absolutely hate him!"

_**2)**_ "I actually have to die my hair every two weeks to prevent people noticing it's not natural…"

_**3)**_ "I so wished I was in Sasuke's place when he and Naruto accidentally kissed!" _[envious]_

_**4)**_ "Ino and I have NEVER EVER fought, we're _bestest_ friends!" _[huge grin and squeezing Ino]_

_**5)**_ "I really like Lee's hairstyle: I'm thinking of cutting my hair that way…!" _[pondering seriously]_

_**6)**_ "Man, how I hate being the dead last in class, I've had to repeat the final exam three times!"

_**7)**_ "Dattebayo! Dattebayo!!"

_**8)**_ "When Kakashi-sensei buried Sasuke-kun neck-deep into the ground I was so overjoyed I actually fainted!" _[laughing maniacally]_

_**9)**_ "Tsunade-sama, a terrifying teacher? Oh, no! She's very kind: if you don't feel like training she doesn't insist at all…!"

_**10)**_ "Once I saw Kakashi-sensei shouting 'Immoral! That's immoral!' at someone who had been reading Icha Icha Paradise…" _[horrified expression]_


	4. Sai

_Hello everyone!_

_This is becoming a daily-drabblish fiction LOL  
Not that I mind it: as long as ideas come this fast, I don't see why I should wait to update, right? :P_

_Now, I know I said this should've been Kakashi's chapter, but Usa-san pointed something out and I went with her suggestion: I'm including Sai and Yamato-taicho__u into team 7 - as they are part of it in the Shippuden... so this 4th chapter is Sai's..._

_Little note: the part of the flashback is completely made up, but the idea was just too funny (to me)!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINS HAPPENING TO…**

_**SAI**_

Naruto wanted to get out of his house: he had been bored for the good part of an hour and couldn't bear to stay inside any longer, so he decided to go bug his new team mate: Sai. The raven-haired teenager reminded him of Sasuke-teme somewhat (always brooding, deadly pale, always wearing black, emotionless) and that irritated Naruto quiet a lot – one sulking shinobi each generation was more than enough.

Plus, Naruto remembered his companion drawing from time to time – or thought he remembered, as he wasn't really paying attention – and he felt the childish urge to make fun of him: what manly ninja likes _**drawing**_??

Walking leisurely the blond ninja arrived in front of Sai's apartment, waited a minute or so, then knocked on the door. He could hear shuffling, general confusion and muttered curses… what the hell was the guy doing in there?! Another two minutes had passed when the door opened to reveal a slightly panting Sai.

_"__The hell?!"_ thought Naruto arching a brow.

"Naruto-kun… what are you doing here?"

"… Are you okay?" asked the blond teenager, in spite of his earlier thoughts.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Now, why are you at my door step, dickless?" answered Sai, letting irritation show briefly on his face.

"I told you to stop calling me that!... And where's your education? You don't leave people on your doorstep!" snapped Naruto, anger building fast and pushing on the door to get in.

Sai couldn't help but step aside. Naruto thought he had been right: his team mate loved drawing – all the walls were full of pictures; most were sceneries. They were quite good (even if Naruto knew next to nothing on the subject). He turned around, grinning at Sai's horrified face.

"So… you really are an artist, eh? Are these things yours…? Did you draw them??"

"NO! NONONONO!! I **DID NOT** draw them! They're not even mine: they were already here when I bought the house…!! I don't even **like** them!!!" Sai was shaking his head furiously, denying every connection he might have had with the portraits hanging on the walls.

"Oh really…? And here I thought you loved art…" said Naruto.

"No! I absolutely despise any type of art!"

"… That surprises me, seeing as you draw when fighting… so, why do you hate art?"

"Because…"

_**[Flashback]**_

_Iwagakure, some years previously…_

_"__Sempai! Sempai! Look what I did…! It's a drawing of the forest and mountain near the village! Do you like it?" said a small Sai, holding the piece of paper in front of a boy a few years older._

_"_… _Well, yes… it's not so bad…" answered the 'sempai'._

_"__Really?! Thank you, sempai!"_

_"__Sai-kun… take me to the room where you keep all your drawings and pictures." it was an order._

_"__Uhm… okay. Here, sempai. There's ALL my pictures!"_

_"__Good, now leave me alone for some minutes."_

_Sai was patiently waiting for his sempai outside, seated on a bench and looking in the distance. After more than ten minutes, his sempai came out of the building and not thirty seconds later, a loud explosion was heard from inside the house; smoke coming out of a window that little Sai recognized as the room where he had left his sempai with all the drawings._

_"__Sempai…?" whispered Sai, looking up._

_"__That had to be done, Sai-kun. You must learn that art, true art, was never meant to last forever!... Art is all a matter of explosives!! Un!"_

_"_… _B-but… those were m-mine… Deidara-sempai you destroyed them…!" sobbed Sai, running away desperately._

_The memory of long, blond hair and weird effeminate guys stuck forever in the boy's head. From that moment onward, Sai came to this conclusion: if someone ever asked him, not one drawing in his future house would be his! He didn't want a repeat of what had just happened!_

_**[End Flashback]**_

"Because art is something only girls and effeminate guys would like!!!"

"Oh…"

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Sai**_

_**1)**_ "Why do I walk around with my eyes closed…? What kind of question is that! I sleepwalk, that's why!"

_**2)**_ "Oh, Gosh, I'm so sad for him: he's completely social-incapacitated… he doesn't know how to make people like him…" _[hand over his chest and worried expression, sending glances at Naruto]_

_**3)**_ "Art is for queers. You'll never catch me drawing ANYTHING!" _[spoken in his house: FULL of his artwork] [kindly suggested by A.D. Williams: thanks :D]_

_**4)**_ "I can suggest you a nickname for me, if you want: you can call me 'dickless'." _[completely straight faced]_

_**5)**_ "Oh, hey, look! I'm paler than Sasuke-kun and Orochimaru combined!! Hahaha!!! Losers!!" _[jumping from one foot to the other and dancing stupidly]_

_**6)**_ "You know, I recently noticed… I might have more boobs than Sakura…!" _[half disgusted half amused]_

_**7)**_ "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CUT THE EMO-SHIT OUT!! YOU'RE ANNOYING!!!!" _[storming up to a chibi Sasuke (it's one of Sasuke's many emo-memories) huddled in a corner moping and kicking him]_

_**8)**_ "The scariest person of the village?… Hinata-san. I think she's the most dangerous of all the ninja: I'm actually terrified of the girl…"

_**9)**_ "Whoot!! That's a yuri! A yuri, I say…!! Seeing two girls going at it has always been one of my fantasies!!!" _[cheering while Konohamaru does the Oiroke: Onna no ko Doushi no Jutsu]_

_**10)**_ "Oh, Naruto…! You're so manly!" _[watching him in the same way Lee looks at Gai-sensei]_


	5. Kakashi

_Hi!_

_This is Kakashi's chapter: be prepared for some UNLIKELY thing to happen LOL  
And, oh! There's a little OC (first time ever I put an OC!) _

_Have fun!!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**KAKASHI**_

The great day had almost arrived. Every male member of the population – from twelve year-olds to sixty year-olds – had been giddy about the upcoming date, and _finally_ the waiting was over; just a few more hours to go! People could hardy sleep, when they thought about it.

It was the early dawn of the first day of September, inside the shinobi village of Konohagakure. The clocks were counting down the time: in two more hours, the shops – and most importantly the libraries and the book stores – would open for the day.

On this early hour, though, someone was not in their beds sleeping. Poor Akira had received the order from his boss to deliver his share of goods here and he had to hurry (the merchandise had to be in place in time); he was already behind schedule because he had stumbled upon some inconveniences: the packages continued to fall off the cart and went he went to pick them up, they'd started rolling away on their own (he wasn't ever walking uphill!); he was chased by a group of seemingly wild dogs, some of which had picked up the goods and tried to throw them deep into the forest…

Akira shook his head as he remembered those strange creatures… they were weird all right…

The young delivery-boy (he was twenty) was almost at Konoha's gates. Unfortunately for him, he was no shinobi therefore he missed the brief shadow passing him by, hidden from view thanks to the bushes littering the road's sides.

Not two minutes had passed, when a man dressed in a black cloak jumped in front of Akira, kunai raised held tightly in hand and the obvious aura of someone who knew how to scare people.

"Hand over the cart. Now." said the stranger to poor Akira.

"W-w-who are… you…?" asked feebly the trembling young man.

"That's none of your business. You are no match to me, so do as I say and _hand that over_."

"… B-b-b-but the boss will k-k-kill me if I loose the goods…!"

"Believe me, I **will** kill you if you don't do as I said. I'm a ninja in case you didn't notice: I have no mercy." the cloaked person threatened, voice emotionless.

"Aaah! Alright, alright!! Don't kill me! You can have it, just please let me go…!!! I'm too young to die like this!!" and before the stranger could stop him, Akira wisely turned around and run for his life.

"Kukuku… part one of the mission: accomplished. Now with the lesson to all those lowly beings." the person chuckled darkly, grabbing hold of the cart and shunshin-ing away with it.

-x-

Two hours later, a huge commotion was going on in the commercial district of Konoha.

All the male population of the village was in a full blown riot: the long awaited day had arrived! _How come none of them could find IT?!?!?_ They should have been delivered already!! Every book store (and library) was trying to deal with angry and furious customers, apologizing for the inconvenience and telling them they didn't know what was happening.

Just when the civil war was reaching its peak, the sound of a strong voice talking over the thousand yelling citizens' caught everybody's attention. The voice was coming from the megaphones placed on top of the streetlamps posts all over the village.

"This is a message for the population of Konoha! Please listen carefully! I, Mister K., have taken a hold of that which all of you are trying to get hands on!"

A loud booing followed the end of the sentence, people got angrier and angrier as the speech went on.

"I advise you all to rush towards the plaza, my fellow citizens, or you'll miss a great show!"

Like an avalanche, everyone started running in that direction but stopped abruptly at the horrible scene before them: a huge pile of books on a cart, burning away rapidly. They were all far too shocked to do anything but watch - eyes wide, pale faces, mouth trembling, tears running – as the fragile paper gave away to the fire.

At one point, someone finally noticed the cover of the novels and yelled so loud, the crackling of the fire seemed to diminish.

**"**_**ICHA ICHA**_**!!! THE BOOKS BURNING ARE THE NEWEST NOVEL OF THE **_**ICHA ICHA**_** COLLECTION!!!!! ****NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

When everybody registered the anguished yell, they all fell to their knees before the burning pile, crying for all they were worth and knowing they could do nothing to save the books from their cruel fate.

The cloaked stranger that had organized everything was walking quietly through the streets, whistling happily at his accomplished mission. Upon arriving home, the cloak was finally shed, revealing a very satisfied Hatake Kakashi, sitting on his couch and picking up a thick book with a black cover and the words 'Holy Bible' printed in white.

"That's what they get for being impure." He muttered to himself nodding approvingly.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Kakashi**_

_**1)**_ "Oh, so you want to see me without my mask… sure! No problem!"

_**2)**_ "I've never read porn in my entire life. May the Heavens punish me if I'm not tellin—" _crash [thunder has reached the target; mission complete.]_

_**3)**_ "Me…? Perverted?! Oh, Gosh, no… I'm the purest person I know!!" _[kindly suggested by naru-ca-titan: thanks :D]_

_**4)**_ "Hi. My name is Hatake Kakashi and I have a problem: I've glued my mask to my face…"

_**5)**_ "Oh yes! Obito-kun, what a great gift!! Your eye is the present I was _so impatiently_ waiting for…!" _[heavy sarcasm]_

_**6)**_ "Can you give me a hug…?"

_**7)**_ "You wanna know if I can cook? Why, of course!... No, I don't need to learn: the Sharingan is very useful also for cooking!" _[while looking at a culinary programme on the TV]_

_**8)**_ "Sometimes I wonder if Shizune is really a woman…"

_**9)**_ "I was defeated only once: it was when I denied my ninja dog squad their food…"

_**10)**_ "Naruto, I have a question for you I've been dying to ask: does Kyuubi purr…??" _[seriously wondering]_


	6. Yamato Tenzou

_Hello! :D_

_This chapter was a bit harder than the rest, but I got a good idea ^^  
This contains spoilers for the chapters 429+, just so you're warned... oh! Little reference from Harry Potter..._ _Poor Yamato-taichou! LOL_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**YAMATO**__**/TENZOU**_

Pein's attack on Konoha had been devastating.

The only thing that had been left standing – for obvious reasons – was the Hokage Mountain, the five stone faces watching impassively the ruins of the village they had (and still) loved; the unmoving eyes of the great shinobi looked down on their 'sons' and 'daughters' as they stared around with dazed eyes.

Konohagakure had never suffered so much throughout its history. Never had the village been completely destroyed. The reconstruction was sure to take a lot of time and energy, even with the help of Konoha's allies. The citizens had started to free what remained of the streets, so that walking through the village would have been easier.

It was a day into the reconstruction, that someone – not Tsunade, seeing as she was in a coma – found a light bulb shining on the top of his head: this _great_ mind had come up with a fantastic idea; an idea that would help save tons of time for everybody.

"Hey, Naruto!"

"What, Kakashi-sensei…?"

"Say… do you know where I could find Yamato?"

"Yamato-taichou?? Uh… last time I saw him, he was trying to find a toy shop…" said Naruto, looking skeptical. Kakashi opened his mouth to ask the young man to elaborate; Naruto didn't let him speak.

"Don't ask, sensei. Sometimes you just don't want to know the details, or at least _I_ don't want to know."

Kakashi, snickering at the image of Yamato surrounded by toys, proceeded in his search. It took him a good hour and a half to finally find the man he was looking for.

Yamato was just exiting a barely-standing shop with a bag hanging from his wrist – inside was something resembling a stuffed TonTon – and a happy face… that turned into a grimace as soon as he saw who was approaching him.

"Yamato! Here you are!" exclaimed Kakashi, hiding an evil chuckle.

"Kakashi-sempai. Did you need something?" inquired Yamato obviously annoyed.

"Why, yes actually. I was thinking… could you help with the reconstruction? Your ability would certainly save us time: everyone would thank you!"

Yamato narrowed his eyes. He knew perfectly what Kakashi was planning: the copy ninja wanted him to use his Mokuton to rebuilt, at least, the houses… and he was trying to compliment him into it – sure, Kakashi knew how to do those kind of tricks: he was mellifluous by nature, when he wanted to be.

Kakashi thought he was a genius, but Yamato was no less.

A grin took over the younger shinobi, his own light bulb shining on top of his head: Kakashi had to agree, if he wanted to ditch out of working thanks to him.

"Alright, _sempai_… I'll help."

"Really? Oh, thanks so—"

"BUT I want to be paid for my help: after all I'll tire a lot rebuilding the houses."

"… Ugh… okay you'll get paid…"

Thus, the agreement was made.

-x-

Yamato passed the next day using his Mokuton to make houses spring from the earth and in less than twenty-four hours all the homes of the citizens were back to life (sure, they needed painting and furniture, but the most was done). Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura and Sai all arrived in front of Yamato's house to give him his well-deserved money… the man was obviously very tired, so they left the suitcases out the door and turned around.

When Yamato woke up two hours later and saw the cash, he started dancing around the living-room in overflowing joy: HE WAS RICH!!! Richer than the Hokage!!

He passed out again since he was still tired. He woke up after another three hours only to find the money completely gone… the suitcases, instead of being full of Ryos, were full of leaves.

On the bottom of one of the suitcases, was a piece of paper:

' _Yamato, have you ever hear of Leprechauns?? They're funny little creatures, really! They invented this awesome thing called 'Leprechauns' Gold' and I thought this was a good occasion to try it out – with a little twist… we're ninja after all!_

_I'll call this _Money-Substitution no Justu_!_

_Kakashi~~~!__ '_

"GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING BASTAAAARRRRDD!!!!"

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Yamato**_

_**1)**_ "Kakashi-sempai, I think you're a frigging _moron_!!!"

_**2)**_ "Naruto, Sakura, eat this seed… you swallowed it? Good! I'm glad to inform you that you'll become a tree very shortly!!" _[happy face despite the others two horrified ones]_

_**3)**_ "Tz'! Who do you think I am?! OF COURSE I can rebuild Konoha on my own: that's as easy as making the **desert** flourishing with **plants**!"

_**4)**_ "You know, the crystal on Naruto's necklace is actually made of simple glass! Completely useless against Kyuubi's power!! Isn't that funny?? Ahaha!!" _[looking at a half transformed Naruto with six tails out]_

_**5)**_ "I'm absolutely NOT scary! How can you say that?!" _[wearing his 'do-as-I-say-or-else' look, if you now what I mean :P]_

_**6)**_ "I'm so much cooler than that perv-Kakashi!" _[superior look]_

_**7)**_ "I so wish I stayed with Orochimaru-sama: he was so kind with me… wonder why…" _[yeah go on wondering – by me -]_

_**8)**_ "No! What are you doing?!?!… You can't use my bunshin to nourish the fire, you dickhead!!!" _[yelling at the top of his voice]_

_**9)**_ "Everyone calls me Yamato!!… THAT'S NOT MY NAME DAMMIT!!!!!!!!"

_**10)**_ "You want me to help rebuilding? Fine, 1000 Ryos per building and we can talk about it…" _[underneath his perfect poker face is already chanting 'RichRichRich!!!']_


	7. Hinata

_Hello :D_

_Sorry it took so long to update but I've been busy these couple of days ^^ plus this chapter proved to be quite troublesome: I couldn't think of something :P So, sorry if it's not really all that funny!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**HINATA**_

Hinata that morning had a very determined stance: head held high, eyes narrowed, back straight, fists clenched and a long steady pace. She was 'owning the place', as they say (more like the street, as she was marching up the road), without hesitation – which was by itself rare as she was usually very humble – knowing full well where she was going.

Around the kunoichi a strange aura could be felt and those who she was passing by, took a step back on instinct… when a woman emitted _that_ aura, every men knew they should stay far far away, less they wanted to get caught in the most frightening 'show' ever… the memory alone of having seen such event from afar was enough to make grown men tremble.

Sure, Hinata was, most of the times, a very kind and gentle young woman **but** _this_ kind of thing knew no distinction of age, job, rank or social status.

The girl had finally reached her destination; a large number of people was already gathered there and to get to the front, she didn't hesitate in pulling others hair or pushing them rudely so that she could pass.

"Good. I made it in time!" she said, idly ignoring the nasty looks.

The training grounds were the main attraction, today, especially for female ninja. News had flew through the village that two of the most peculiar jounin in Konoha were going to spar that day. They hadn't plan of making their sparring a show, but it had turned out like that and trying to make the women leave was like looking for trouble.

They ignored the crowd and began their sparring.

Ten minutes into it, the women encouraging words had turned into full shouting, mad cheering and the start of a wrestling match to stand out and be noticed; Hinata was succeeding in beating all the others and keep waving her arms, yelling at her secret love to win.

"GO KAKASHI-SENSEI!!!!! BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF GAI-SENSEI!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SENSEIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!"

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Hinata**_

_**1)**_ "Sometimes I just feel like punching that Uzumaki kid in the face!" _[kindly suggested by cassicloud: thank you :D]  
_  
_**2)**_ "Shutup! Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!" _[kindly suggested by cassicloud: thank you :D]  
_  
_**3)**_ "My type of guy is the mysterious and cool type, not the loud mouth!"

_**4)**_ "This Byakugan is perfect to spy the male's bath house; Jiraya-sama's quite envious." _[grinning]_

_**5)**_ "I hate people who stutter! They're so annoying…"

_**6)**_ "I have an allergy to dogs: if I go two feet near them I get covered in red dots_…" [glaring at Akamaru] _

_**7)**_ "I actually work as a stripper."

_**8)**_ "Neji's always been such a cry baby." _[looking pointedly at Neji, who runs away sobbing madly] _

_**9)**_ "I think Itachi-san did a wise thing in slaughtering all the Uchiha clan: they were so full of themselves – unfortunately he forgot one."

_**10)**_ "All the guys my age are such pansies… that's why I chase after older ones, like Kakashi-sensei."


	8. Kiba

_Hi everybody!_

_Sorry for being absent but my father's computer (which I'd been using 'till last week) finally went nuts and now I can't save in Word the things I write and it took me this long to find a resemblance of other computer to use in its stead, gomen nasai!!_

_I'm determined, after this episode and after I got virtually forbidden to use internet, to buy myself my own computer! :D_

_Either way, I'm at last able to bring you another chapter of this story! Sorry again for the long wait and I hope you'll like it :P_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**KIBA**_

It was a tricky winter, in Konoha: it had been awhile since the last time the flu had spread so much inside the village - almost three quarters of the population had caught it... the shops were assaulted daily by sneezing and puffy-eyed people, who stumbled in to try and get their hands on the tissues and every other piece of similar paper.

It wasn't the nicest show to witness.

One of those that had been saved from the horrible illness was Inuzuka Kiba: he was immensely happy to be completely healthy - he was so annoying, in his way of rubbing on everyone else the fact that he was fit, that his friends were starting to get pretty fed up (also Hinata 'miss Politeness' herself) - had he wandered around the village like he had no problems in the world. After a whole week of Kiba's smug comments, all those who knew him had begun to try and throw some sort of curse at him - praying that he finally caught the flu as well, so they could have their revenge.

One day Kiba's sister, Hana, glanced mindlessly at her brother and narrowed her dark eyes as she saw Kiba wiping his nose on his sleeve _("Gross baby bro... just gross..." _thought the woman), taking in also his somewhat glinting eyes.

"Kiba," said Hana "are you sick...?"

Said teenager turned toward his sister, looking at her as if she'd grown a second head. "No! Are you crazy?! I'm the healthiest person in the village!!" he answered, offended.

"You sure? Have you looked yourself in the mirror? I think you've caught something: you're teary-eyed, your nose's dripping and you look like you're feverish..."

"NO...! I _can't_ be getting sick!! I. CAN. NOT."

At that, Hana was positively puzzled. "Why can't you? They're things that can happen, can't they?"

"You don't understand!" Kiba shouted and as he did so, he couldn't stifle a sneeze - he looked appalled. "I've been boasting about my good health 'till this morning! They won't let me live this down!!!!"

Hana looked impassively at her brother for some time, it was like she was evaluating just how stupid his brother had been - his enormous ego will kill him, soon - then she spoke in a plain tone that showed no mercy. "That's what you get for never keeping your trap shut, idiot."

News of Kiba's state of health quickly reached his friends, who (with the most sincere feelings in their hearts) send him cards saying: _' Hope you'll be the __**VERY LAST**__ to feel better. Best wishes. :D '_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Kiba**_

_**1)**_ "Ugh! What's this awful smell?!... Oh, it my jacket… maybe it's time to change it…?" _[adapted from Ayase Reincarnated's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Dogs…?? I can't stand them: they're covered in fleas and stuff…! Eww!" _[kindly suggested by Lerryn: thanks :D]_

_**3) **_"That Shino kid doesn't scare me at all. Sometimes I wonder if he could be any more lively than he is; I mean he almost never stays still, or stops talking – um, does he even breathe? - and I can see his eyes so clearly he blinds me!"

_**4)**_ "These triangles I have on my cheeks are not tattoos… they're – uhm – actually they're b-burns… yeah – I don't know how, but I burned myself while trying to iron Akamaru after his bath…" _[under hypnosis]_

_**5)**_ "Grrrr!!! Wof! Wof!" _[argues with Akamaru in te middle of the street]_

_**6)**_ "Would you turn the volume up?!?! How the hell am I supposed to hear you, if you whisper so lowly, eh Hinata?!"

_**7)**_ "Man… with this flu I can't smell anything… where's my jacket??"

_**8)**_ "If I hate **dogs**, why do I have to be part of the _Inu_zuka clan?? I'll establish a new clan! The _Neko_zuka clan!! Hell yeah!!" _[Inu= dog; Neko= cat]_

_**9)**_ "Kyyaaahhh! Akamaru! You can't jump on me like you did before: you're bigger than a bear, dammit, you wanna kill me?!"

_**10)**_ "I've finally understood why Naruto and me never seem able to stay calm around each other: dogs and foxes are too similar so they're bound to fight…"


	9. Shino

_Hi!_

_Here's Shino's chapter :D Sorry for any mistake but I don't have the auto-correction on stupid WordPad ù.ù_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**SHINO**_

The morning was everything but pleasant. During the night, a terrible storm had started and when Konoha woke up, that day, one look out the window was enough for everybody to wish they could just turn away from the view, snuggle back deep under their covers and go back to the blissful sleep. Not only rain was coming down in buckets - never-ending showers of icy water that didn't seem intentioned on stopping anytime soon - but the clouds were so dark and packed together that you'd think it was still the middle of the night.

Shino, who was usually an early riser, woke when his biological clock told him it was time to get up... he turned to his left to stare out the window and blinked when he saw the dark and empty street below; scratching his head lightly Shino threw a look at his alarm clock, narrowing his eyes at the red numbers glowing firmly - but somewhat less bright than usual - the hour of 7.30am up at his face. Confused, the teen arched a brow staring again at the dark sky.

_"The clock must be broken..."_ thought Shino, shrugging and stretching back onto his bed, closing his eyes to go back to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later, Shino's mother came up to the teen's bedroom, worried about the fact that he hadn't come downstairs yet. She found the room in complete darkness due to the onslaught of rain and thunders outside, the lump beneath the covers telling the woman that her son had not woke up.

Shino felt a hand shake him gently and recognized his mother's voice calling him and telling him breakfast was ready - and cooling - without bothering to open his eyes. "Yes, mom, I'll be ready in a few minutes..." he replied and waited for his mother to get out, not listening when she said that one of his team mates was at the door.

The teen dressed himself in the dark, using what small light came in with the lightning flashing. Once he was ready, he opened the door of his room but found he could not see much of anything even if the lights of the corridor had all been turned on... he began to panic, not knowing what to do. He was fine just yesterday! What could have happened?! Shino started to wave his hands in front of himself like a girl hyperventilating.

"I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!!! AHHHHHH!!!! GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!?!?!" he shrieked, turning pale.

"Shino? Is that you shouting??" came a voice from the stairs; someone was climbing them - Kiba. "What's wrong...?"

"KIBA! I'M BLIND!!!!!!! THAT'S SO UNFAIR, I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE SUFFERING LIKE THIS!!!! BWAAAAHHH!!" Shino, who had attached himself to Kiba, was bawling his eyes out, clinging to his poor team mate who didn't know what to do. That was, until Kiba took a good look at Shino; at which point the dog-loving teen slapped Shino on the back of his head and pointed a finger at the other's face.

"You idiot! You're not **blind**. You've got your sunglasses on, dammit!!"

"Hah???"

"The SUNGLASSES! How the _fuck _didn't you realize you had them on?!?!" demanded Kiba, reaching out and taking said item off his team mate's nose, waving it in front of his face.

"... Oh... um..."

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Shino**_

_**1)**_ "… Bugs…?? AAAHH!!! I _HATE_ bugs! Quick get them away from me!!!!!" _[screams and runs around scratching all over his body] [Kindly suggested by Usa-san: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Hahahaha!!! You're SO funny!!!"

_**3)**_ "I don't feel bad at all if people don't recognize me… at all!!"

_**4)**_ "Hi!How'reyoudoing?I'mveryhappytoseeyou!Ireallymissedyoualot,weshouldhangoutsometimes!!"

_**5)**_ "…" _[shiny, blinding, burning SMILE-O'-DOOM!!]_

_**6)**_ "Kurenai-sensei, can I use some of that paper…? I've gotta go to the bathroom…" _[pointing at Kurenai's ninja outfit]_

_**7)**_ "Phfff!!! No…!! Hahaha!! Stop it!! Phfffttt…! — GIVE IT A REST!!!… Stupid insects… sticking in the _worst_ places possible…!" _[imagine for yourselves… just think of Gaara and the sand…]_

_**8)**_ "I like guys… or girls…? Or both?? Or am I asexual…?"

_**9)**_ "Fuck, I can't see a thing!!… Oh, yeah, I have my sunglasses on…"

_**10)**_ "Mmm… orange jacket, yellow hair, blue eyes, screaming his lungs out, hopping around… no, I _really_ have _no_ idea who that might be…" _[feigning to not recognize that specific person]_


	10. Kurenai

_Hello everybody! :D_

_Here's another chapter - with this, team 8 is done!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**KURENAI**_

The 'flower arranging' class for young kunoichis had been enstablished recently; the council had finally understood that, even though boys and girls had to obviously get the same training to become ninja, the female part of each class should have at least one or two classes that were specific for them - hence flower arranging and cooking classes had begun.

Of course, young ladies naturally loved flowers, did they not? For this reason nobody stopped to think that exceptions existed in everything... the line of thought had been "If they like it, good; if they don't, that's their problem.", but what could you expect from the council? They were famous for their (many) bad ideas...

Now, the idea was not, actually, _that _bad; on the contrary, all young kunoichis were enthusiastic of their new classes! The one thing nobody had yet realized was that there were also little 'ladies' such as Mitarashi Anko and Kurenai, who all but despised their classmetes - they were all too weak, too giggly, too _girly _to become ninja - as they run around a field full of flowers and various plants. The two girls sat with their legs crossed in front of them and were staring blankly at their sensei as she rambled on about ikebana and how a beautiful bouquet was a way to judge if a woman was respectable or not.

"What a bunch of crap." commented Anko loud enough so that only Kurenai could hear; when her friend turned her way, the short-haired girl took the occasion to put a finger in her mouth and pretend to be retching at the display a few feet away.

"... Yeah, you're quite right, Anko." laughed Kurenai, patting the other young kunoichi on her shoulder. "This kind of thing really doesn't fit us..."

"Tz'! No shit. I'd DIE before the day comes when I'll start to act like that." Anko's tone was dead serious and edging towards scary - like most of the times: Anko could scare even the meaniest boy at the Academy.

"Anko, I think no one'd dare come near you either way..." said Kurenai smiling. "in any case, I agree with you: I'll never let some guy turn me into _that_!" she added pointing a finger in her classmates' direction.

-x-

Two days after that, a new boy made his entrance into Kurenai and Anko's class. Everywhere he went, whispers followed him: he was already pretty famous and a group of young ladies were immediately at work to establish a new fanclub for the only son of the Sandaime Hokage - Sarutobi Asuma.

Anko disliked him at first sight and she proceeded to share her view with her best friend.

"Oi, Kurenai, have you seen the new guy...?"

"... Yeah... I saw him..."

"A complete, worthless, idiot. Hokage's son or not." spat out Anko, making a face and waiting for Kurenai to whole-heartedly agree. When a few minutes passed without answer, the girl turned to face her freind. "Kurenai?"

Said girl was staring into space, her eyes sparkling and... _**was that a blush?! **_

"Anko!!"

"W-what...??"

"I've fallen in love with Sarutobi-kun!!!!! I love him so much!!" shouted Kurenai, eyes more and more sparkly.

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"I WANT TO HAVE _LOTS_ OF CHILDREN WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Kurenai**_

_**1)**_ "Oh Gosh!! Kakashi gimme that!! I haven't read it yet…!!! Jiraya-sama is a genius!" _[grabbing a hold of the latest Icha Icha book, pushing Kakashi away and reading greedily] [adapted from Deathdingle's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "What do they know…?! It's not that I like this stupid outfit: I don't have enough money to buy something better!!" _[pissed off after yet another comment]_

_**3)**_ "I found out I was good with genjutsu because I remained stuck in my own illusion for three days… I had to wait for someone to get out of it…"

_**4)**_ "Aaawww!! Anko…! That voodoo doll is _so cuuuteee_!!!!"

_**5)**_ "I find myself watching my team, from time to time: I've really come to consider them my own children!"

_**6)**_ "Oh, I've desired to carry Asuma's son since I knew him!!!!!!" _[kindly suggested by Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare: thanks :D]_

_**7)**_ "I'm sick of all this _plant watering_, damn it!!! And what's with the sun, uh?! It's too **hot**!... No, it's too **cold**…!!! Gyaaahhh!!!!! Damn it all!!!!… But, oh, my dear child… *sob* your mommy is fine don't worry… Argh! WTF don't kick!!!" _[the wonders of pregnancy on a kunoichi…]_

_**8)**_ "I can't believe it, Shikamaru! My son beat you to shogi!!... Yeah, yeah cut the excuses: my son is cleverer than you, ha!"

_**9)**_ "Yes, my eyes are red because I stole the ones meant for Itachi!! They're a pair of transgenic Sharingan eyes!!"

_**10)**_ "I love that pinky frilly dress!!!" _[squealing in delight]_


	11. TenTen

_Hello!_

_With this chapter starts Team 9! XD I actually found myself writing Chouji before this, but I wanted to go in order, so... ^^_

_The whole idea of this chapter sounds really awfully funny to me LOL Hope it does to you as well!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**TENTEN**_

Admiring others is normal, is it not? Each and every one of us has someone they admire, look up to, respect... it's human nature; such a thing has existed for as long as there was people to keep it going. Whenever there is a person - or a group of them - that has, in some way, something _more _to them that attracts others, he or she will always be admired.

Now, in Konoha there was a number of those who naturally gather a lot of admirers - at times without even wanting to. There was Hatake Kakashi, Jiraya-sama, Tsunade-hime, the (deceased) Yondaime Hokage, Sandaime-sama (deceased as well)... also between the 'new generation' of ninja a couple of names were often heard about: Hyuuga Neji, Nara Shikamaru and, of course, Uchiha Sasuke.

This last one in particular had always been the center of a lot of attention, being the last Uchiha, a genius and everything... and one of the most famous fan clubs was the one established on his behalf (without his consent, of course); the _'Uchiha Sasuke Fan Club'_ counted more than two hundreds subscribers - all kunoichi... and maybe two or three guys - and, although everyone knew who the most devoted were, the mystery revolving around the actual founder was yet to be solved. No one, not even Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura (subscribers number two and two-B respectively), had ever seen the Founder's face... and the reason was very simple: she - obviously - worked only through paper, leaving messages and contacting her assistants that way.

-x-

There was work to do. A new edition of the _'Sasuke Daily Prophet' _was going to see the sun very soon... 'seeing the sun' meaning it was soon to be sent to each member's e-mail account.

The main news revolved around the miraculously improved conditions of the beloved Sasuke, who had fallen into a strange coma and wouldn't wake up.** *God, thank you for giving us, Sasuke fans, Tsunade-sama and her super duper medical skills!!***

The 'feuilleton' was done at last and the Founder of Sasuke's fan club had decided to take a small break before sending it to her first two, and most loyal, subscribers who had the important task of spreading the news around. She had just finished her cup of tea and was about to seat again in front of the screen, when someone knocked at the front door.

"Honey...! It's for you." she heard her mother call.

"One sec! I'll be there immediately!" she shouted back, heaving a sigh and making a quick work of sending those mails, before shutting the computer off and closing it. Grabbing her ninja equippment, she exited the bedroom and went downstairs; at the door there was her noisy team mate waiting for her.

"TenTen!! What took you so long???? We have to let the fire of our youth burn unless we want to keep living a dull life!!! Let's go train!!!"

"Yeah, yeah, Lee... whatever you say, just shut up..."

"Oh! You know, I caught a glimpse of Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun on the hospital's roof..."

_"Really...?"_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: TenTen**_

_**1)**_ "Waaahhhh!! Keep that kunai away from meeee!!! I could bleed to death, you know?! Do you know those things are dangerous?!?!" _[adapted from Usa-san's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "C'mon, Lee! What is it…? You can't keep up with me??" _[doing something like 15 push ups per second]_

_**3)**_ "Neji… if I see you again within ten feet radius of my make up, I swear tomorrow you'll wake up with a far _lighter_ head (if you catch what I mean)!!" _[waving a pair of scissors in front of Neji's face]_

_**4)**_ "Oh! My team is the _bestest_ in the whole Fire Country!!! I have nothing to say about them!" _[smiling brightly]_

_**5)**_ "Kyaaa!! It's Sasuke! SasukeSasukeSasukeSasukeSasukeSasuke!!!!!!!!" _[adapted from kallou's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**6)**_ "Ghghghghghghghg!!" _[hands in front of face, eyes closed… __**giggling**__]_

_**7)**_ "You swore! Ohmygod!! You swore…! Did anyone tell you one should not swear in front of a lady??" _[horrified face and gesturing to herself]_

_**8)**_ "—Because we're young people! And the fire born from youth will never be extinguished!! Whatever obstacle we'll be faced with, the strength of our spirit will get us through them all!!" _[waves splashing behind her in a setting with a setting sun]_

_**9)**_ "Pants?? Naah, I'm a mini-skirt fan! You'll never see me wearing pants!"

_**10)**_ "Gai-sensei, you're my hero!!!" _[watching Gai with adoring eyes]_


	12. Lee

_Hello everyone! :D_

_I finally have my own computer!!!!! ^-^ I still don't have internet, though, but it matters not! (Not much at least LOL) So I don't have to write with WordPad no more *dances*_

_Well, you know the drill: Enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**LEE**_

A small group of people was gathered in front of the Academy where, five minutes before, a fight of sorts had begun; a fight between two of the most unexpected guys one could think of: Rock Lee and Uchiha Sasuke.

No one had been there to assist at the beginning of the discussion. The first to arrive where the two young ninja were had been Neji, who had been quite bored and had thought that watching those two fight would have been interesting and entertaining – the idea of stopping them or asking them why they were fighting had not even crossed his genius mind. To tell the truth he hadn't really bothered to pay a lot of attention to what they had been saying…

After a while, also Shino and Kiba had made their appearance, the latter asking immediately to his friend what was happening, to which Neji replied shrugging one shoulder dismissively.

"What?! How can you not know…??" said Kiba.

"I wasn't paying attention." answered Neji, nonplussed and still looking at the 'bickering' pair with his impassive eyes.

While Kiba and Neji were talking, ten or so of their companions at the Academy had arrived and were looking a few feet away with a puzzled expression: seeing Lee and Sasuke together was close to impossible to begin with; seeing them argue was something their brains refused to even think.

"—What do you mean _you've_ got to kill my brother?! You're kidding are you??" was shouting Sasuke, a sarcastic tinge in his voice.

"No I'm not! I will kill Uchiha Itachi for what he dared to do!!! I won't forgive him!" yelled back Lee, his arms flailing about.

"What the hell are you talking about, bushy-brows?! Itachi has _nothing_ to do with you!!!" Sasuke had started to glare at the other teen.

"Yes he does! I want revenge, and I'll have it!" Lee was trying to narrow his eyes to look more dangerous.

"WHAT?!?!?! You stealing bastard, that's MY line!!!!" bellowed Sasuke pointing a finger at Lee, killing aura rapidly arising.

"It's not true! That's MY line!" Lee was not intentioned on backing down.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

They continued like that for two minutes straight and before they even finished, the small group that had been watching them got bored of the 'show' and left them as they were still going on with the 'Is not, is too' discussion.

Neji, Shino, Kiba and the others were long ways from the arguing pair by then, when a voice sprung up and asked a clarification.

"What was all that about? I arrived near the end and didn't catch the reason of the fight…" said Kakashi, mildly interested.

"Well, for what I've understood, Lee was angry at Sasuke-kun's brother because… err… because he's more 'emo' than him and he wanted to avenge his 'pride'… and Sasuke-kun got angry because he said _he_'s more emo than both his brother **and** Lee and that Itachi is his target, not Lee's…" explained Sakura in one long breath.

The entire group shook their head, thinking that someone should really find some other ways to pass the time…

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Lee**_

_**1)**_ "My life has only one purpose: revenge!… No, not over _my_ brother, you idiot; I don't have a brother. I meant over _Sasuke's_ brother! Yes because he's more emo than me!!" _[profoundly offended]_

_**2)**_ "Who're you? I don't know you. Gai who?? I'm sorry – not really – but you're not cool enough that I should remember you…"

_**3)**_ "Naa… I'm too lazy to train… leave me alone…" _[turning his back the other way and going back to sleep]_

_**4)**_ "You, my rival, Neji? Psh! Yeah, right…" _[dismissing Neji with a wave of his hand]_

_**5)**_ "People tell me a have very small eyes." _[blinking hugely]_

_**6)**_ "Gaaaahhhh!!! Why the hell do I have to be this good looking???? I hate to get chased by fan girls!!!" _[running around the village with a horde of yelling girls in toe]_

_**7)**_ "I love baggy clothing!"

_**8)**_ "Yesterday, I tried to kick the door open to do a dynamic entry… I broke a nail…" _[cradling his foot in his hands and blowing on it]_

_**9)**_ "Neji is the most stupid, annoying, knuckle-headed guy in all Konoha! I don't think there's someone worse than him!"

_**10)**_ "When Gai challenges Kakashi, I always cheer for Kakashi: he's my hero!"


	13. Neji

_Hey there! :D_

_Here's another chapter of this story ^^ On a side note, I have to say I'm getting annoyed at the recent chapters of the manga... ù.ù why can't Sasuke just drop dead and spare people from seeing his face?! I WANT TO SEE NARUTO-KUN!!!!!! (although at least there's Gaara! __*squee* ^-^) *coughcough* Sorry; got carried away..._

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 :D_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**NEJI**_

The new year at the Academy was about to begin once again; ready were the two beginners' classes that had to start the first year into their training to become ninja. The children were excited at the prospect of this new adventure – the very first step towards a life full of glory and adrenaline, missions and rewards (roughly translated into 'money', but they were still too young to fully grasp the concept)… and they were blissfully unaware that the life they so desired was a road full of blood, sweat and tears.

Really, no one bothered to explain it to their children, because they knew it was of no use: young kids rarely listened to what their parents said; they didn't know what they were talking about! – No matter if they were ninja themselves, they just couldn't understand! (isn't that what every child thinks? That they know more than their parents…)

For this reason, the first day of school all the students (both the 'newbies' and the others) were waiting for the classes to start. They were all huddled in groups inside the front yard, some getting to know possible classmates, some catching up with their friends.

Suddenly a tremendous crash was heard and a second later two shinobi had come rolling out of a smashed window, battling fiercely with their kunai, doing all sorts of combo attacks (never using jutsus, though). Most of the students were observing the scene as if they were watching their mother prepare the dinner – nothing special, but quite essential – because they were used to this small 'act'.

The two shinobi, just as they suddenly appeared, stopped abruptly in the middle of a kata figure and turned to look at the children. Iruka and Mizuki smiled at their audience.

"Hello boys and girls! You ready for another year of Academy??" said Mizuki. The kids eagerly nodded.

"Come inside, then, so we can begin!" added Iruka. "First years, come here please." he said waving a hand and beckoning said group to get near.

Thirty or so kids came forward, they were all looking rather pale – possibly scared at the show they had just seen; in the front line, a particularly pale boy with long black hair caught Iruka's attention as he was visibly fidgeting.

"Hello, what's your name?" Iruka tried to calm the poor boy, who lifted his head to stare at the man before him with huge eyes.

"M-m-my nam-e is H-H-Hyu-ga-a Ne-e-ji…" stuttered the boy, nervousness clear as crystal.

"Neji. How are you, Neji?" smiled reassuringly Iruka.

Neji's only responses were to blush furiously and faint right at Iruka's feet.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Neji**_

_**1)**_ "Oh, my, that green jumpsuit is fabulous!!! I want it!!"

_**2)**_ "I wanted to have my hair in buns, but that bitch TenTen beat me to it!!" _[stabbing furiously a TenTen voodoo doll]_

_**3)**_ "Someone told me I look like a postman…" _[pouting and trying to pity people into saying it's not true]_

_**4)**_ "OH MY GODDD!!!" _[hands covering mouth, completely terrified]_

_**5)**_ "Fate is a bunch of crap."

_**6)**_ "C'mon, Lee, let's do piggy back!!"

_**7)**_ "I think I'd look better blond… like Ino… I WANT TO DYE MY HAIR!!"

_**8)**_ "H-h-h-hell-o… my-my na-ame is Hyu-u-uga N-N-Neji… N-n-nice to mee-et you…" _[blushing and twirling his index fingers together]_

_**9)**_ "You, bastard, you'll soon meet your— Waaahh! No!! Stay away from me…! Keep those scissors away from my _fabulous-silky-girlish _hair!!!... Please…"

_**10)**_ "Ugh… this bag is so annoying…! I still don't know why I use it…" _[pushing said bag up his shoulder every few seconds]_


	14. Gai

_Hello! :D_

_With this, Team Gai is finished! I know, this a bit shorter than the others but tha's how it turned out :P_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 :D_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**GAI**_

Gai had always astounded people for a number of reasons, even when he was a young genin. Those old enough to remember that time (for example his classmates and his senseis) often stopped to wonder if perhaps Gai had gone and knocked up Rock Lee's mother – because that was just _how much_ those two looked alike.

… To think about it, that wasn't such an impossible thing: no one actually knew who Lee's father was, did they? Wow, that'd be a morbidly fascinating piece of info, were it true! Also quite ironic that the teen so adored his sensei… huh… can sense of fashion (or better, lack thereof) be genetically passed on to children? Because if it can, then the parentage is as good as guaranteed.

Okay, that was a bit out of place. Let's get back to the point.

Gai was a particular person and it took quite some time to get used to his antics; very few could stand him for relatively long periods of time… one of them was Kakashi, who had to get used to him due to the fact that they were often sent on missions together – much to Kakashi's chagrin – and also because Gai had the bad habit of 'forcing' the younger jonin to do the most absurd challenges (and giving himself 'training punishments' that were even more absurd).

By the time Gai finally got his genin team, the whole village of the Leaves paid no more attention to his weirdness; just one thought passed through everybody's mind: _"Poor kids… wonder how much they'll resist…"_ and adding a small prayer on those kids' behalf.

Still some time passed and everything was for the most part good; the three genin of Team 9 had grown up to become powerful ninja (Lee and TenTen were chunnin, Neji had made it jonin level – of course) and now, the only thought occupying people's mind was "I'm certain Gai-san is Rock Lee's father! There's no doubt!!".

One day, Team Gai was running through the streets at a mad speed, like their usual, making clouds of dirt rise from the dry earth. People had stopped in their tracks to let them pass, least they were hit squarely, and were about to start walking again when a figure appeared under the last cloud of dirt still floating in the air a few feet from the ground: it was Gai himself, sweating heavily and panting with some difficulty, his hands resting on his knees as he regained breath.

It took him two minutes to recompose himself, before looking up and taking in the fifty or so villagers staring at him with a strange expression.

"… Heh… I think I'm not in shape to do this anymore… haha!" he said.

No one dared talk as they pierced Gai's back as he straightened up and walked up the street to go meet up with Neji, Lee and TenTen.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Gai**_

_**1)**_ "You know, I think I'm getting old…" _[kindly suggested by NARDwall: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Wahhh!! No one understands me…!! Why do they call me emo???"

_**3)**_ "Today I saw a guy completely dressed in green and I had to restrain myself from punching the daylights from him: I HATE that color!"

_**4)**_ "… Mmmm… lemme sleep… five more minutes…"

_**5)**_ "Oi! Slow the – anf anf – heck down – anf -… I can't go on… with this rhythm – anf – I'm about to—" _thump! [fainted]_

_**6)**_ "Lee! Cut that youth-shit out! You're annoying me!!!"

_**7)**_ "Help, please…! Don't stay there staring, damn it!... No, I'm NOT smiling!! How do I have to tell you it is a _paralysis_…!! Help me, Kakashi!!!"

_**8)**_ "Neji, you have no style whatsoever."

_**9)**_ "… I'm ashamed to say I'm not the most powerful taijutsu expert in Konoha… you don't believe me? Try piss off Tsunade-hime during _that_ time of the month…!" _[wide eyed – if that's even possible – and pale]_

_**10)**_ "I actually wear a wig."


	15. Chouji

_Hello! :D_

_I had forgot I had already this chapter done, so here it is! __Yeee!!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**CHOUJI**_

They were all gathered together, it was an important event... a yearly event, awaited by most of the shinobi in the village (but of course also civilians were eager to assist). For the occasion, a huge stage had been placed in the center of the plaza so there would be no problem in limiting the public, as pretty much everyone could fit in; the preparations had gone on for three days now and finally the show was about to begin.

Teuchi-san, owner of the Ichiraku Ramen stand, had worked hard to have everything ready - he had not slept in those three days. He was carrying all the materials he would need, with the help of his daughter and his others workers, to the tent standing next to the stage.

As the steams of vapour begun to rise steadily from the tent, two more groups of people were arranging the long tables and the chairs on the stage, covering the rough dark-brown of the wood with plastic table-cloths. On the left side of the stage was placed a big blackboard (borrowed from one of the classrooms at the Academy) equipped with chalk.

At noon, everything was ready. The plaza was overflowing and already cheering for the show. The annual 'Ramen Eating Contest' was about to begin!

The contestants were waiting backstage, breathing deep and mentally preparing themselves - Konohamaru, Kiba, Anko, Jiraya, TenTen, Sasuke, Naruto and Chouji.

All of Konoha knew that, in less than fifteen minutes, the number of contestants would drop dramatically until the only two left would be Naruto and Chouji: it was always like this... the title of winner would be battled for fiercely, to the last swallowed noodle. It was a very gripping event: once it started you just couldn't get away until you saw who won.

The last five contests had been won once by them both - and last year's winner had obviously been Chouji, seeing as Naruto had been absent from the village due to a training journey with Jiraya.

The participants were seated, the first steaming bowl of ramen had been placed in from of each of them and the referee (Kakashi) was about to give the signal... when Chouji stood up suddenly. The audience fell silent, those sitting at the table with the teen turned to face him. Everyone was waiting for him to say something, or sit down again.

After a minute of complete silence, Chouji spoke.

"I resign. I've decided to try and loose weight, so from now on, no more junk food and the like..."

That said, he calmly made his way down the stage, leaving a stunned plaza in his wake. Everyone was far too shocked to even think that maybe it was all a joke - a bad one at that. Naruto alone was hoping for Chouji to come back and say 'Hey! I as just kidding!!' but when he realized his friend was serious, he stood up and walked away as well, throwing his arms in the air, shouting and cursing.

"WHAT THE FUCK!! If Chouji's not participating, then it's useless for me to do so!! Where the fuck is the 'competition' with _those _contestants?!?!?"

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Chouji**_

_**1)**_ "Yes, the thing I have on top of my head is a pair of panties, somethin' wrong with that?!"

_**2)**_ "I started wearing this green spandex suit when Gai-sensei said it'll make me look thinner!" _[turning around and showing how _badly_ the jumpsuit works]_

_**3)**_ "If I wanted, I could out-cool both Neji AND Sasuke!! I just don't like showing off…!"

_**4)**_ "… Ohuf… that's it, I can't eat anymore…" _[leaving a half _full_ plate on his _first_ serving]_

_**5)**_ "Ino! Stop stealing my food! You're eating it all..!!"

_**6)**_ "Uh?… No, there's no problem if you say I'm fat; I won't get angry."

_**7)**_ "Shikamaru's the stupidest person on the planet! He wouldn't be able to think of a decent plan even if thought about it for weeks!"

_**8)**_ "I decided to start a diet." _[massive scream coming from BBQ restaurant]_

_**9)**_ "I'm very picky when it comes to food…"

_**10)**_ "I tried to take off those stupid spirals on my cheeks but apparently I can't…" _[with almost bleeding cheeks after a violent scrubbing]_


	16. Ino

_Hello everyone!_

_Sorry for the wait, but I've been quite bust these two/three days 'cause I've found a job (Yeee!!): I'm a promoter - hope it'll work out ^^; so if from now on, the chapters will come a bit later, that's the reason :D_

_Back to the chapter: some wanted Ino, some wanted Shikamaru... some didn't want spoilers :P... well this is the second member of Team 10 for you!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**INO**_

Team 10 had just being assigned a new mission (C ranked: there wasn't much request for higher-ranking ones at the moment; it was one of the downsides of a peaceful period of time). They had to leave Konoha in an hour and all four of them had gone home to pack up their things and get ready to head out.

It should have been surprising to hear that the first to finish packing his rations, weapons' pouch ecc… was Shikamaru, but if I tell you he had everything already packed and ready to pick up because that way he has the chance of napping before leaving, I doubt it'll come too unexpectedly, won't it?

Chouji spend half an hour just to try and stuff his backpack with dozens and dozens' chip bags and managed to almost forget about his pouch. Asuma took the chance to say a quick goodbye to his 'secret' love before going home and grab his own bag with supplies and the like.

An hour later the three men were waiting for Ino to show up so they could start on their mission. They knew their female companion could take quite a lot of time to get ready (which was somewhat ridiculous, thinking about it, because being a ninja you could get dirty very quickly if an attacker came around) but twenty minutes of lateness was really starting to become too much, even for her.

Asuma was actually thinking something might be wrong with the young kunoichi: the last couple of days, she had begun acting strangely – averting her eyes whenever people looked at her, tugging at her outfit every now and then and wrapping her arms around herself – and the man was wondering if perhaps the girl had caught the flu of something of that kind…

The jonin was about to tell Shikamaru and Chouji that he was going to check on Ino, when he saw a figure walking towards the three of them; the two chunnin standing there had lifted a hand halfway up in greeting before freezing on the spot, staring at the person with eyes bulging out of their sockets.

The black ninja boots (kunoichi style), the dark blue pants stopping just a few inches before the ankles, the twirling fingers, the feet positioned as an upside-down 'V' and, above all other things, the overly large and overly long grey coat… they were all very familiar… what was unusual, _very much_ so, was that the face connected to those clothes had not the striking white pupil-less eyes nor the long blue-black hair of Hyuuga Hinata.

Oh no. the face connected to that outfit had the blue eyes (pupil-less as well) and the long blond hair on one Yamanaka Ino. And that's precisely what got her three team mates so frozen.

"… W-what…" none of the three staring knew exactly who was the one to stutter that one word.

"Uhm…" said Ino, still twirling her fingers, a small blush on her cheeks. "… The other outfit was far too embarrassing… "

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Ino**_

_**1)**_ "Burp." _[that doesn't need explanations, I think ^^]_

_**2)**_ "Gyaaahhhh!!!! I lost _two_ pounds!!! I'm _wasting away_!!!!" _[horror stricken face]_

_**3)**_ "Sakura, having a big forehead?! Absolutely not!"

_**4)**_ "I wear extensions… that's why my hear is sooo long!"

_**5)**_ "I love you Chouji!!" _[throwing her arms around him]_

_**6)**_ "I'm more intelligent than Shikamaru, haha!!" _[acting superior]_

_**7)**_ "I would never wear mesh! It's too embarrassing!!"

_**8)**_ "I founded the club 'Let's punch Sasuke's superior face clear in!' who wants to join?" _[I do, I do!!! *me jumping around*]_

_**9)**_ "I'll keep my mouth shut: your secret will die with me!" _[said to any person foolish enough to tell her something that shouldn't be known]_

_**10)**_ "You know, Neji, I envy you: your hair looks _so_ silky!!"


	17. Shikamaru

_Hello! :D_

_Here's the long awaited chapter for Shikamaru!!! ^_^ Sorry for the long wait (I've been so busy I haven't written anything for Naruto's b-day ç.ç)_

_Have fun!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO...**

_**SHIKAMARU**_

'People' are a fairly easy entity to understand, on their whole. Even though a large number of individuals compose it, it won't come as a surprise saying that most times, when a group of very different 'specimen' is together is like their brain shuts down: they are unable to think for themselves.

Another very simple thing to understand about 'people' is that they need some assurances. They tend to be paranoid, even over the smallest thing… when they are used to have a resemblance of control over what surrounds them, they're happy. Reality is composed by this and that… every other 'not-normal' event – or person – is to stay far away from (or to discriminate because _different_).

Simple examples of this theory: Hatake Kakashi reads porn, Akimichi Chouji has a bottomless stomach, every kunoichi is part of the 'Uchiha Sasuke Fan Club', Uzumaki Naruto (although partly considered 'not-normal') is a freaking troublemaker, Gai has no style, Teuchi-san's ramen is the best, Uchiha Sasuke broods… Nara Shikamaru is the laziest ninja in history.

Take one of the facts listed above, twist it slightly and what you'd have is the whole social structure of the Village Hidden in the Leaves crumbling in on itself – like when, in the movies, stupid people mess with Time and creates paradoxes that endanger the Universe.

-x-

It was 8 am when the alarm clock in the bedroom started to beep insistently, its duty to shrill and wake the occupant of the room, that morning, went pretty much wasted: the bed was empty. Undone – which meant it had been slept in - but empty.

Strange.

What was more, Shikamaru wasn't in the kitchen having his breakfast, forced by his mother to hurry up because he was already late and the Hokage waited him in her office in five minutes with the new mission…

Very strange.

And for who-knows-what reason, Lee looked particularly gloomy that day; like he had lost all is formidable (and irritating) spirit: he wasn't going around the village running like crazy, he wasn't speaking about youth, but rather he was walking very slowly, shoulders slumped, repeating things like "That's not fair…"

_Unusually_ strange.

People had seen these seemingly little and insignificant changes and had an unpleasant sense of foreboding in the pit of their stomachs that they tried to ignore… a feeling of dread that was rapidly creeping up from the corners of their fearful hearts.

At mid morning, the tension reached its peak. A rumbling sound coming from the Hokage Tower made everyone stop their activities to stare at the oncoming whirlwind of dust, moving at frightening speed. At the front of the huge cloud of dirt, was someone dressed in black and green – the chunnin/jonin attire – that was yelling as if their life depended on it.

"MOVE OUTTA THE WAAAAY!!! I HAVE A MISSION TO DOOOO!!!!"

In less than five seconds, the person had disappeared behind a corner, leaving only the dust to deposit itself back on the road.

"… Who the hell…"

"… What was _that_…?!"

"Was that the Uzumaki kid??"

"No, it wasn't. That… _thing_ wasn't orange…"

"Yeah, you're right…"

"So… who was that…?"

"Gai-san…?"

"… Mmmm… could be… but it looked smaller than him…"

"Must have been the speed that made him look smaller…"

… When people do whatever they can to avoid admitting they have seen something out of the ordinary, the most unbelieving conjectures could be heard… even when the explanation is easier than expected.

_**[Flashback]**_

_"__Shikamaru, I have a special mission for you."_

_"__Yeah, whatever… it'll be troublesome either way."_

_"__You tell me…" said Tsunade smirking, handing a piece of paper to Shikamaru. "If you do what's written over here before three this afternoon, I'll let you have a week off to sleep for as long as you wish."_

_**[End Flashback]**_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Shikamaru**_

_**1)**_ "Let's go! Let's go!! I can't wait to do this mission!!!" _[fist raised and grin on his face]_

_**2)**_ "Chompchompchompchomp"

_**3)**_ "You know, Temari, I like you."

_**4)**_ "Riddles…? Nah, I'm too stupid to solve any riddle…"

_**5)**_ "My mum is the loveliest mum you'll EVER find! She let's sleep in every time I want!"

_**6)**_ "OMG Ino, your hair is wonderful! What kind of shampoo do you use…??" _[envious]_

_**7)**_ "I'm so hyper this morning! And I'm not even on sugar high!!" _[unable to stay still for even one sec]_

_**8)**_ "I – uh – I-I… the first time I used my Shadow technique… I… hit myself by mistake…"

_**9)**_ "That one time when Jiraya-sama got found spying at the bath houses, you remember? Well, he got found because I trapped him there with my technique before shouting a warning."

_**10)**_ "Do you want to know what my favorite game is? No, not shogi – too complicated for me – it's Uno cards!!"


	18. Asuma

_Hello! :D_

_With this, Team 10 is officially finished ^^ This chapter was a bit of a challenge cuz I couldn't come up with an idea based on the sentences below, so I decided to do something that doesn't have anything to do with them... :P_

_Here there's a surprise character! LOL Let's see if you guess who it is... __XP_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**ASUMA**_

The peaceful days that had begun, more or less, after the imprisonment of Kyuubi were, apparently, coming to an end. Quite rapidly, to top it all. Strange things were happening inside the Leaf Village… terrifying episodes that looked like evil jokes born from the low-ranked mind of the producers of some lame horror movie.

Every day, someone would be the protagonist of these episodes – no one seemed able to predict who this wave of 'terror' would strike.

Today, a young woman had just entered the Gates and was now walking quietly down the road, arms crossed in front of her chest and one hand gently scratching her chin in deep thought as she looked around with a small frown marring her face; after some minutes, she pushed her glasses further up her nose – more out of habit than because they were falling – as a snort escaped her.

"Damn. I've seen this city an insanely amount of times; how the hell is this possible?!" she cursed under her breath. She had stopped at the very core of Konoha: Ichiraku Ramen; and a little ways up the street there was a natto-specialized shop from which the sticky sweet smell of the… well, sweets, came from. "Frigging houses, all alike and you can barely distinguish them!"

She kicked a random person's shin, ignoring the angry shouts following her as she continued on her way. At one point, the young woman caught sight of Hinata and let a nasty smirk bloom on her lips for a split second before approaching the kunoichi.

"Hello."

"U-uh… hell-o." stuttered the midnight-haired girl, fairly reassured by the smiling brunette in front of her.

"I'm kinda… new… here and I was looking for someone; I was wondering if you could help me."

"S-sure… who ar-e you looking f-for?"

"Oh, just Kurenai-sensei. Could you point me to the direction of her house…?" asked the brunette, putting on a very convincing sheepish look.

"Ku-Kurenai-sensei?... A-ah, that w-way…" answered Hinata, pointing in the right direction.

"Thanks!"

-x-

Once the young woman arrived at her destination, she chuckled evilly and sprang into action. Everything would have gone smooth, she knew it, because the house was empty. Using her newfound skills as thief, the brunette opened a window (_"How fortunate that, despite the partly modern technology, alarms do not exist here!"_ she thought) and sneaked in, skipping past the living-room and heading to the bathroom.

There, the girl took a box from her pocket, opening it and taking out something white, two-inches long and very thin, with a small rectangular slit in the center that was a light pinkish color. She positioned the items were it would have been easy to see them, then quickly got out of the house just as someone was making their way to the door.

-x-

Asuma was in a particularly good mood, today: his mission was over and he had a couple of days' relax to enjoy with his 'significant other'. The jonin had gone shopping and was heading to his lover's home to prepare a nice, romantic dinner to surprise her.

Once inside (he had a key, of course), he placed the bags with the groceries on the kitchen counter and went to wash his hands humming discreetly. Upon entering the bathroom, a white box caught Asuma's attention as he drew near; he noticed also a stick-like thing with a pink 'spot' in the middle.

He picked it up, curious, and saw nothing more than white plastic and a pinkish-colored piece of paper inside a slit. With his brows furrowed, Asuma turned to the box… he picked that up as well to look at the part with some instructions and read this: **'Blue: Say a prayer in thanks; Pink: Dude, you're screwed!'**.

"What the hell--??" said Asuma, completely taken aback and not understanding.

He turned the box around to take a look at the front and he nearly fell on the ground suffering of seizure; he dropped the box and the stick and fled from the apartment faster than Gai on a sugar-high and screaming.

On the bathroom floor, the words printed on the box shined an innocent purple from where it had landed: **'Pregnancy test – easy to do at home!'**.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Asuma**_

_**1)**_ "Fuck, I burned myself with the cigarette!!"

_**2)**_ "… Sorry, guys that I'm late, but you see… I saw this old lady and I just HAD to help her…!" _[to his team]_

_**3)**_ "Yo! How ya doin' old man??" _[talking to his father, the Sandaime]_

_**4)**_ "Oh… I got fed up of paying for the enormous amount of meat Chouji eats!!!! I'm going to starve until they'll pay me for the missions!"

_**5)**_ "You're frigging hot, Kurenai."

_**6)**_ "Once Ino shrilled so loudly, I got deaf for the following four days…"

_**7)**_ "Waaaahhhh! I beat you, Shikamaru! I've finally won at shogi…! Wow!!"

_**8)**_ "When I gave Naruto that tip on wind-chakra control, he launched the chakra charged blade at Shikamaru's butt… quite the picture…"

_**9)**_ "Ah! I'd like to see Kakashi's face when he notices his Icha Icha books have disappeared!"

_**10)**_ "Gyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" _[VERY high pitched voice, scared shitless]_


	19. Kankurou

_Hello! :D_

_I'm here again, hehe! Alright... we're starting with the Sand Team (I plan to do also Baki-sensei, so if you have ideas on what he would never say, you know I'll take them into consideration! ^_^)__._

_Enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**KANKUROU**_

The 'Sand Sibs Team' (who was the _genius_ that had labelled them with that frigging dumb nickname?! All the Sabaku kids had felt their hands twitch, the first time they'd heard it…) had been running at full speed for some time, now, but they really couldn't afford to slower their pace given the situation they were in: they were on an extremely important mission - a self-assigned mission, to tell the truth - where a rapid arrival was fundamental. The three siblings had been jumping from tree to tree for a full day and their assumed destination was approaching.

_"__Damn Gaara… who the hell gave you the permission to drag us along on your quest to repay the supposed 'debt' to that idiot gaki…!"_ thought angrily Kankurou, slipping for the umpteenth time on some leaves rotting away on the branches.

More than twenty minutes went out the imaginary window, during which each member of the Sabaku family trotted about inside their own world…

Gaara was dreaming of the day when he would finally be happily kicking Shukaku's ass into the next millennia shouting a very refreshing "GO FUCK YOURSELF, DEMON-BITCH!!!!!", then falling into the long awaited period of unconsciousness otherwise known as 'sleep'. Temari was busy making a list of highly disturbing insults destined to attack a certain chunnin where it hurt the most: his intelligence – she was determined to show off her Kuchiyose no Jutsu and make Shikamaru feel like scum while she laughed in his face. Kankurou, on the other hand, was having a very pleasant tea party in his secret playroom: he, seated on the pink chair with a high back, and all around the table his most precious puppets – Kyoko-chan (Kuroari) Ling-chan (Karasu) and Pochi-tan, the domesticated crocodile (Sanshuoou) – keeping him company with their amazing logic.

"Gaah!!"

"Fuck!!"

"Damnyouallyoufuckingdipshit!!!!!!!!"

The three siblings come back to reality harshly, when they all crashed into a wooden surface. A **very hard** wooden surface. Gaara, the first to stop the resounding '_doong'_ echoing inside his head (his sand had muffled the impact), tried to understand what had come to block their way in such an impolite manner… a gate… he blinked two times and sweat-dropped.

"… Uh…" he said, scratching the back of his head.

"Owww!!! It hurts like HELL!! What the fuck is daring to block my way?!?!" came Temari's furious outburst, already unclasping her giant fan, before turning in Gaara's direction and then seeing what he was looking at. "…Uh…" she was scratching her head as well.

Kankurou was whimpering on the ground, folded up with his knees almost under his chin: the impact his head had made with the wooden surface had been the worst and he had risked losing consciousness. The teen slowly sat up, a huge bruise already forming under the cat-eared hat. Kakurou's eyes suddenly lightened up at the sight and he sprung to his feet with surprising speed (on which neither Gaara or Temari would have betted him to have).

"Kyaaa!!! Oh, my desire has come true…! Screw the 'save-the team-that-had-to-save-Sasuke-Uchiha' mission: now I can die happy!!!" with that, the teen bolted past the gate leaving his other two sibling behind.

_"__Careful on what you say, brother, I could take up on the implicit offer…" _they both thought as they, reluctantly, followed after Kankurou passing under the wooden gate from where a huge, green banner was hanging: **'THE BEST DOOLS-TEA TIME-PARTY OF THE WHOLE FIRE COUNTRY!!!!'**.

* * *

Somewhere far from there, Shikamaru, Kiba and Lee were desperate. _"We need reinforcements!!!"_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Kankurou**_

_**1)**_ "Those are not fighting puppets! You kidding?! They're my personal Barbie dolls and I have tea parties with them!!" _[adapted from Usa-san's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "I'm a wannabe kabuki actor!... But somehow they don't take me seriously…"

_**3)**_ "It's scary to be stuck inside one of those puppets! Like hell I'd ever to that to anyone…!!"

_**4)**_ "The puppet master façade is all a fake: my real weapon is my hideous LIPSTICK!!" _[sticking out his lips] [adapted from Lerryn's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**5)**_ "Oh, no, Gaara… you're very handsome like this!" _[trying not to faint at the sight of a half transformed Gaara]  
_  
_**6)**_ "Temari-chan!"

_**7)**_ "Most of the poisons I put into my puppets have been tried out on my father. After every single one failed, I can't believe he got killed by Orochimaru…" _[shaking his head in disbelief]_

_**8)**_ "I'm a fashion victim!" _[spinning and turning to show off his attire]_

_**9)**_ "My hobby is knitting: I'm pretty good at it! The hat with the ears is a creation of mine!!"

_**10)**_ "Oh, I would never disrespect a woman!" _[goes off following the first chick that passes him by and changing direction as soon as he sees a prettier one]_


	20. Temari

_Hello!! :D_

_It's almost Halloween, everyone!!! Mwahahahaha!!_

_I don't have much to say... just this: the chapter's rating tends to 'T' due to some bad language XD_

_Enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**TEMARI**_

No one actually knew why they had arrived so suddenly. No word had reached the village, so everyone was surprised to see them passing the Gate – even Kotetsu and Izumo, stationed there permanently, had looked at the three with puzzled expressions… so much that they even forgot to have their guests sign the papers needed.

"Why the hell we're here, again…?" asked Kankurou, pausing at a short distance from the entrance of Konoha. The other two stopped as well.

"… Yeah… as much of a shock that might be, I agree with Kankurou: why are we here, you said??" spoke up Gaara, turning a somewhat accusing stare to his right.

"Why the fuck are you asking me?!" came the angered response. "I was out on my damned own – it was **you two** that showed up out of thin air!!!"

"And what were you doing out alone, uh?"

"That's none of you damn business, Kankurou: I can very well fend for myself!" countered Temari. The air around the woman was beginning to feel tense from frustration.

"As much as I can't believe it myself," started Gaara quietly, still staring at his sister, though his accusing gaze was now tinged with disbelief. "I agree with Kankurou, for the second time in a row…"

"See! Even Gaara thinks your behaviour is strange!… He's agreeing with ME!!"

"There's nothing the two of you should be concerned about…!!! Damn it, I'm your BIG sister: I'm older than the both of you!! I can take care of myself damned better than you!" Temari's eyes were glowing dangerously, stabbing daggers deep inside the other Sabaku siblings – who were starting to get a bit worried… for their own health.

"Temari—" tried Gaara.

"NO! Fuck, you're so _troublesome_! You're noisy, loud, nosy… not to mention stalkers!!"

"Heh, well, at least you don't have to worry about perverts trying something on you: no one would risk his life for that…! Such she-devil is nothing compared to a Byjuu!!" Kankurou realized too late his mistake. _"CRAP!!"_ was all he had time to think before getting pasted to a wall with a fist and having Temari's giant fan hurled to his stomach.

"You could have killed him, you know…"

"That was precisely my intention, _Gaara_."

"O-kay…" the Kazekage couldn't help but sweat-drop. "But you know, we were just wondering why you wanted to come here…" he added.

"… I… understand… Kankurou… would do something… this stupid… BUT WHY YOU?!?! You're the fucking _Kazekage_!! You can't leave you village just to follow me around!!! I HAD SOME EXPECTATIONS FOR YOU!!!!!!"

"… 'T's not like I'm abandoning my post, you know…"

"Grrr…! THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!" Temari's killing aura was rapidly spreading and Gaara's sand was rustling inside the gourd out of reflex, preparing for a possible attack.

"Well then…" Gaara started coolly: he was keeping an excellent self-control (any other man would have fled long ago). "Just tell me why you've come all the way to Konoha and I'll turn around right now and go back to Suna."

"Like hell I'll tell you… I'm your sister: I'm the one who gives orders in our family!"

"And I'm the Kazekage, and as head of the village I'm the one with more power."

"This is not Suna, you're not the one giving orders here."

"Alright. Do you want to take this in front of lady Tsunade? I'm sure she'll find this interesting…"

"That's a blow below the belt, Gaara…"

"Desperate matters call for extreme measures."

"_Bastard…"_ thought surly Temari. "I'm not going to tell you anything."

"I can wait: I have nothing better to do."

-x-

The two of them (Kankurou was still out cold) stood there for who knows how long, they were both incredibly stubborn and it was likely that they could remain there for days without moving an eyelash – a small, discreet number of people had started to gather at hearing distance… but the audience dispersed after a particularly venomous glare coming from Temari.

It was almost 8 pm, when something moved: it was a person coming up to the staring pair. The dark figure – the sun descending behind shadowing the face.

"… Temari…?" came a voice.

"……" the woman turned toward the newcomer, eyes widening and brightening up. "SHIKAAAAMAAARUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she bolted and tackled the chunnin to the ground after a three-feet leap.

_"_… _Tzè… I knew it… was it that difficult to admit you came here to see that lazy ass_??" thought Gaara shaking his head and disappearing in a swirl of sand. Kankurou remained blissfully unaware of everything going on around him.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Temari**_

_**1)**_ "I'm so in love with my dear Shika-kun!!!!!" _[blushing and avoiding eye contact] [adapted from Lerryn's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Oh, Kankuro… you're my saviour! Could you please lend me your make up??"

_**3)**_ "You know, everyone has their own bad days… you shouldn't take it out on others if you had a shitty day…!!" _[shrugging and trying to resonate with a murderous Gaara, in almost full Shukaku mode]_

_**4)**_ "I'm the girliest girlishly girly girl you'll ever see, like, _ever_!"

_**5)**_ "Gyah!!! What are those horrible things?!… You want me to wear those awful boots?!? Are you crazy?!?" _[pointing at normal ninja sandals]_

_**6)**_ "Uh? This is new: using fans as weapons…?? Never heard of such a thing… like hell I'm going to use them: they'll do for a freakishly weak weapon!"

_**7)**_ "Me, picking up Shikamaru's antics?? Bothersome… I don't even know why I should answer you, but no I'm not: he's such a drag to be around to begin with…!" _[adapted from A.D. William's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**8)**_ "Oh... you guys... I envy you so much: I'd never be able to beat you at a drinking contest..." _[very very sad look] [adapted from sonar's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**9)**_ "Oi, Shikamaru Nara… you're going to be my boyfriend." _[creepily glowing eyes glaring at the poor guy]_

_**10)**_ "Oh crap! I broke my nail!!!!!" _[horrified look]_


	21. Gaara

_Hello!_

_Finally it's Gaara's turn!!!! XD I know I've waited, but I had to think about the sentences for Baki :P_

_It is the first time I've placed my two favourite characters together, in this fiction, haha! Oh, a little warning on a hint of a spoiler from the chapters of Pein's attack on Konoha - you've been warned (it's nothing much but still)._

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 :)_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**GAARA**_

Little Gaara always felt extremely alone. Because of the demon that had been sealed inside his small body, the members of Suna's council had decided it would have been best to keep the boy separated from others his age… thus the red-haired child was prohibited to interact in any way with his brother and sister (he knew they existed, but he'd never actually seen them); the only person he ever saw was his uncle, Yashamaru, who was gentle and caring.

Gaara sometimes wasn't sure the whole 'demon' thing was true: he didn't really feel strange; the things that could have proved it were the fact that sand would appear out of nowhere - and that he could control it – and the fact that he could not sleep… but, as far as the little boy knew, sand always seemed to be 'fascinated' by him (he remembered that once, he was no older than three years old, sand had tried to bury him alive for who-knows-what-reason).

Now, Gaara was by no means stupid but, as most children, he was naïve and fairly untainted – the unintentional kills didn't count – so his uncle's betrayal was a shock… the young Jinchuuriki had lost his only 'paternal reference' and the only person that had bothered to stick around (let's not dwell on the reasons…) and after the man's death, Gaara was left to cope with a deep grief… he needed someone to help him get through…

What a better chance, for Shukaku (who had kept silent all those years) to make his appearance??

_**"… Gaara…"**_

"UH? What—?! What's this voice?!"

_**"… Gaara… do you know who I am…?"**_

"Aaah!! Who's this?!" the boy had his hands over his ears and was looking around.

_**"Don't yell, damn it!! I'm not deaf, yanno!"**_

"… Uuuh… sorry?? Who are you, anyway?"

_**"Cough, cough… I'm Shu—I mean… I'm your mother~~~!"**_ the last part was said in a tone that tried to resemble the one used by ghosts. _**"From now on, you'll do what I'll tell you~~"**_

"What?! NO!"

_**"Don't argue! You'll follow my orders and that's final!!"**_

"What a bitch…" mumbled the boy.

_**"I heard ya!!"**_

"Like I care…!"

_**"……"**_ Shukaku growled internally before smirking. _**"Say Gaara… how about I go away and leave you alone…?"**_

"NO!! Please, I have no one…"

So, after this first encounter, Gaara started doing everything Shukaku – disguised as the boy's mother – said, without arguing further because he didn't want to be left on his own once again. With the demon's help, Gaara soon became even more feared due to his 'spontaneous' killing sprees and cruel jokes (like kidnapping a woman and bind her, head down, to a tree-branch for two days, or destroying the wall of the changing rooms on the pool, or blackmailing Baki after he found the man bent over a hentai magazine).

-x-

"… So I was in front of the sealed gates an' I was desperate, y'know… I jus' wanted to have answers… so when Kyuubi told me to let him take care of everything and take off the seal… it seemed to make sense…"

"That was pretty stupid, thinking you could trust a demon…"

"Yeah, well, it was the first time… I didn't know what to do; I couldn't help it…"

"… You're so naïve…"

"……"

"What…?"

"Look who's talking! I won't let you tell me that: I wasn't the one doing the most stupid things just cuz I believed a demon that told me he was my mother…!"

"**I've never believed it when Shukaku said he was my mother...!!**"

"Yeah, right, keep lying to yourself..."

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Gaara**_

_**1)**_ "My childhood was the best in the world!"

_**2)**_ "Uchiha and me are very close friends, you know…"

_**3)**_ "I get laid more than Kakashi and Jiraya put together." _[winking]_

_**4)**_ "Shukaku wasn't bad, he just needed to be loved…"

_**5)**_ "I've never believed it when Shukaku said he was my mother; I _did_ _not_ kill all that people 'cause I believed it!" _[flustered and sputtering]_

_**6)**_ "I hate sand. It gets everywhere. Like hell I'll ever use a SAND armour."

_**7)**_ "… You're hurting my feelings…"

_**8)**_ "My father was the kindest of all, I miss him so much…"

_**9)**_ "I'm a great fan of Sailor Moon! I have a special room devoted to items from the anime!!" _[inspiration came from endama's fanfic 'My boyfriend, the Otaku' :D]_

_**10)**_ "OMG! I just love RAINBOWS and PUPPY-DOGS and GLITTER and, most of all, the color PINK!!!" _[kindly suggested by Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare: thanks XD]_


	22. Baki

_Hello!_

_All right, this is a brand new character (meaning I didn't do it before) so I don't know it the 10 sentences at the end are any good - I like a couple, but... ^^ - so I'm curious to read what you think :P_

_With this, the Sand Sibs Team is done! Wonder who'll come next... hehee :D_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88!_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**BAKI**_

Even though Temari, Kankurou and Gaara were Baki's students, they didn't have the same relationship that one would expect from a bond such as the teacher-student one – picturing the man act with the Sand Sibs like, for example, Kakashi did with his team would be impossible.

For a Konohan, the genin team should be like a second family: a group of people whom you had to interact, get along and work with, people you cared about and protected if needed. Most of the times, genin in a team remained very close even when they made career or moved to other villages… in other words, for Konoha's shinobi, the bonds a kid made with his first team, were the most important.

Suna, of course, was a different matter. They had always thought – first and foremost – about strength, _individual_ strength… Suna's shinobi didn't really care about teacher-students relationships: there was a minute respect, but nothing more.

Still, even for Suna's standards, the Sand Sibs and Baki had a fairly cold relationship; the reason was not largely known in the village, of course… but for blackmail's sake, that which should be left a secret, will be told! *dramatic music and evil laugh*

_**[Flashback]**_

_Baki-sensei was usually very peculiar about arriving to appointments on time; he was wherever they had to go always at least five minutes before everyone else… and he got angry if you arrived late._

_That day - the day Temari, Kankurou and Gaara's 'respect' for their sensei evaporated – the three genin had arrived to the training grounds two minutes before time, but Baki was nowhere to be seen, so the Sabaku siblings went to look for the man – not because they were worried; just because they didn't want to lose precious training time – at his house._

_The three had sneaked inside through the door (Gaara had used his sand to open the lock from the other side) and quietly made their way down the small corridor. The living-room and the connected kitchen were empty, the bathroom was empty, a room full of useless stuff was devoid of human presence, the bedroom was deserted… _

_Temari was about to voice that probably Baki-sensei was at the Kazekage Tower or something, but Kankurou suddenly waved a hand for her to be quiet, tilting his head to the side to listen; in the silence reigning, the sound of muffled whispering could be heard faintly. The siblings – Gaara most reluctantly – made their way to the end of the corridor in the middle of the small apartment, where they ended up facing a wall… the voice was coming from the other side._

_Inspecting the cream-colored wall, Gaara noticed a minuscule slit, just deep enough that a finger could be placed. When Temari noticed that as well, she told Kankurou to open the hidden door (that was what it was, probably) a bit._

_What met the Sabaku sibling's eyes was one terrifying sight: it was a hidden room and to each wall of the small space, photos and images portraying the genin's father were plastered; there were so many of them, it was like looking at a Yondaime Kazekage-themed wall-paper… to say it was creepy was an understatement… and if that was not revolting enough, at the opposite side to where the siblings were, Baki himself was crunched in front of an altar-like desk with a large picture of his leader… plus, the voice Temari and her brothers had heard was none other than their sensei's, mumbling prayer-like, things such as "Oh, Kazekage-sama, please bestow your wisdom upon my poor soul…" or "Great Lord Kazekage! __I'm your devoted servant!"_

_Temari and Kankurou were horrified, speechless in front of such a 'show' (it seemed more a satanic ritual or something similar)… they couldn't think, so they remained there, with eyes wide, for a long time._

_Gaara, often underestimated as the 'Truth's Mouth', spoke the two words that summarized perfectly what they all thought, before turning around and exiting the house: "That's sick."_

_**[End Flashback]**_

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Baki**_

_**1)**_ "Yondaime Kazekage… _Ithinkyou'reagreatleader_!!!!!!! Kyaaaa!!!" _[jumping from foot to foot like a schoolgirl with a crush]_

_**2)**_ "Temari-chan, you should wear something more feminine than those combat boots… how about high heels??"

_**3)**_ "I love you so much guys!!" _[hugging the Sand Sibs __**tightly**__]_

_**4)**_ "Why I have this cloth covering half of my face?... Well it's because… I'M SO UGLY AND ALREADY SHOWING HALF OF MY FACE PEOPLE GET SICK LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!" _[crying desperately and running off]_

_**5)**_ "Kankurou I think your purple eyeliner isn't exactly waterproof: it's like you fell face first on a grill…"

_**6)**_ "Go out…? Oh there's no problem, Gaara, just don't stay out too long, ok? Enjoy your walk!" _[just before the third part of the chunnin exams]_

_**7)**_ "… I'm not afraid of you, kid…!" _[to Gaara, after one of his transformations into a mini-Shukaku]_

_**8)**_ "I'm getting married!"

_**9)**_ "Quit looking at me like that, Kabuto, you're fucking scary…"

_**10)**_ "I'm much more handsome than the guy in 'The Phantom of the Opera': I look better with a mask, haha!!" _[one hand on the hip and blowing on the other hand's nails and then wiping them off on the shirt]_


	23. Tsunade

_Hello! ;D_

_Alright... umm... I had some doubts on this chapter because I didn't know who to do first ^^ I don't have to say anything really, apart from this: Konoha's council members __**bashing**__! __(I couldn't help myself XD)_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 :D_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**TSUNADE**_

The chunnin exams had just ended – and not in a good way – and all the shinobi that had come to Konoha, had already left the village to go back to their own countries. The village hidden in the leaves had been quite devastated during the (failed, haha!) invasion – fucking _snakes_ and bombs and manipulated ninja and _Gaara_… - and a lot of buildings were in rubbles; but Konoha's population was strong-willed and was determined to rebuilt everything quickly.

Before that, though, everyone took the time to pay their respect to Sandaime-sama, who had died to bind Orochimaru's arms with the same technique used for Kyuubi's imprisonment. The funeral took place the day after the battle, the shinobi all wore black and, one by one, went to deposit a flower on the Hokage's coffin.

-x-

Among the mourning people, some were not as sad as all the others… these two were no other than the oldest council members. Inside their close-minded, whiny brains they were already writing down a list of those who could take Sarutobi-san's place – if one paid attention, the wires inside those greying heads were slowly working their 'magic' – as leader of the village.

"A-ha!" said one of the council members, Homura.

"What?! You found one?" said the second, Koharu.

"Yes!" answered the man. "Jiraya!... He's already here: no need to go search for him!"

"Oh, no! I don't want a pervert as Hokage…! I refuse!"

"Ok then, _genius_, who did you think about??" countered the old man.

"… Uhm… why not Tsunade?" proposed Koharu.

"Uff... she's God-knows-where! Who is it going to look for her…? You, Koharu?!"

"No way in hell."

"Then we go back to Jiraya…" said Homura, folding his arms.

The two continued to argue for a long time, without coming up with a good candidate (two were too far away, one was dead, one had turned evil, one was too young, one was too stupid…)… the funeral had long since finished and Sarutobi's coffin was being moved to his respectful place in the graveyard. Just when they were about to agree that Danzo could be a good Hokage - being still alive and in fairly good conditions and, most importantly, already living in the village – a voice sprung up.

"Oi! Old man and woman, what're you doing here all alone…?? A kinky secret meeting?!"

"Wha—?! Tsunade!!!" all two shouted, surprised and outraged.

"Yeah it's me… so what?"

"Tsunade, you're drunk!"

"Uh? No, I'm not. I'm a bit tipsy, nothing more… I still have more brains than all the Council put together."

"… Tsunade… watch your mouth…" the council members were slightly pissed.

"And you watch your panties, you might wet yourselves and not notice it…"

"_Tsunade_!"

"Oh, and about the Hokage thing… now that sensei is dead, I'LL BECOME HOKAGE!! You all know I'll do a great job!"

"NO! We had decided for Danzo…!" replied Homura.

"Danzo can go fuck himself! He'd run like a yaoi couple followed by fangirls at the first sign of danger…!!"

… _And thus, Tsunade-hime became Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure… and this is also the reason why she doesn't really get along with the Council (who would blame her?)._

* * *

_**10 things you'll never fear coming from: Tsunade**_

_**1)**_ "Everybody worship me!! You need some luck?! Come here: I'm the luckiest person alive!!!" _[adapted from Lerryn's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Please, can someone help me with this jug? I can't open it…"

_**3)**_ "I want my damn necklace back from that Naruto kid!!!!" _[shaking Shizune in her anger] [Kindly suggested by A.D. Williams: thanks :D]_

_**4)**_ "Jiraya dedicated one of his Icha Icha books to me: I keep it locked away 'cause it's precious!!" _[holding said book like her life depended on it]_

_**5)**_ "Orochi-chan, d'you want to be my boyfriend…??"

_**6)**_ "Everyone seems to think I'm a woman… how'd you react if I told you I'm a man _**down there**_…??" _[creepy you-don't-know-what-to-believe grin]_

_**7)**_ "Shizune, stop pretending. You're flatter than I was when I was younger: you're a man – we all know it."

_**8)**_ "Orochimaru, you're so strong I'm sure no one will ever beat you… not even the genius of the Uchiha clan…!" _[Tsunade, known for her bad luck. Orochimaru curses and goes to pray. Sasuke decides to be the strongest.]_

_**9)**_ "Ji-ji-kun… will you merry me?" _[blushing and facing Jiraya]_

_**10)**_ "Become Hokage?? Yeah, sure!! I've been DYING for those _darlings_ of the council to ask me!!!" _[to her happiest]_


	24. Jiraya

_****_

4/29/2010

_**EDIT!**_

_**This chapter really didn't satisfy me before – okay, it sucked – so I'm happy I re-wrote it because now it's AWSOME! LOL And quite a lot longer than the other.**_

_**About this new chapter 24: I read a fic some time ago (I can't remember the name though) where Koharu, Homura and Sarutobi were discussing something and at one point the mention of an episode involving Jiraya, the hot springs and the Henge no Jutsu were brought up… and the image that popped in my mind was hilarious, so I decided to 'develop' the scene mentioned XD Other thing… I usually despise the advisors, for obvious reasons (ostracizing Naruto), but I closed an eye on their behaviour for this… I feel like I'm betraying Naruto-kun, though ç.ç Like saying I don't mind Sasuke—OH GOD KILL ME, I CAN'T EVEN **_THINK_** OF SAYING THAT!!! O.O**_

**_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_**

* * *

_Hello :D_

_Sorry, I've been lacking inspiration lately ^^" That's the downside of being sort of 'dependant' on reviews, haha!! __L__OL_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**JIRAYA**_

"Okay, gaki, today we'll stay by the hot springs for your training – I'm sick an' tired of having to pull you out of the river before you drown once you've run out of chakra…" said Jiraya as the Sannin and his new student made their way to said location.

The blond teen walking beside him frowned a little, the expression making him look both cute-ish and ridiculous. "… Ero-perv," he started, ignoring the glare the man sent his way "you'll have to pull me out anyway…"

"Oh, no." countered the other. "The water at the springs is lower, so you won't drown; if you use up all the chakra and fall in, the water should reach your shoulders at best: even a _dwarf_ like you will be safe there." finished Jiraya, hiding a smirk.

"OI!! I'm not a dua-dwo—I'M NOT WHAT YOU SAID!!!"

Jiraya couldn't help but laugh at Naruto's indignation. "No, no, you're right; you don't have a beard… yet." before the blond teen could start ranting and swearing at him, the Toad Sannin held up a hand, effectively halting any protests: they had arrived at the hot springs and the man had no intention of wasting precious resear—err, _training_ time. "Enough. We're here so, you know the drill – go over the edge, push chakra into your feet steadily and walk on the water."

He was already tuning his back on his student to go 'rest' against the wooden panels that made up the wall of the women's part of the thermal pools. Waiting for Naruto to begin his training, Jiraya took out his small notebook and made some adjustments to the last part of the chapter he'd spent the past three days writing; as soon as the old shinobi saw the blond genin well on his way to waste his chakra, he promptly turned around to face the wooden separé, conveniently coming in contact with an opening in the wall (of course, I'm being sarcastic… _conveniently_ my butt and you know it.) giving him a pretty good view of the pools on the other side.

"Hehee!! Time for some research~~!" chuckled Jiraya, a perverted glint shining in his eyes.

-x-

"Aaahh… that old idealist will never understand…" came the tired voice of one Utatane Koharu, advisor of the Hokage, as she walked away from the Tower at a brisk pace.

The woman had had a very stressing day. Her and Homura (the other advisor) had always had to deal with Sarutobi, having been team mates and thus having risked their lives together during the Second Great Shinobi War and whatnot, on the matters concerning the welfare of the Village and of its inhabitants (both civilians and ninja)… the two of them had to constantly use their most effective technique when they had to discuss things with the Hokage: annoy him.

They were especially good at it and they took pride in being capable of such a feat – Hiruzen was famous for his almost infinite calm on every situation, yet Koharu and Homura had known the man for a long time and (oh, the joys of having living ex team mates who know you _very_ well) they knew which buttons to press to tick the Sandaime off – after all witnessing that rare twitch of the man's right eye from a few feet wasn't something a lot of people could take merit for… the only other person who had achieved it had been Jiraya, back when he was young and 'innocent' (which translates to: 'didn't write smutty, porn-ish books with a ridiculous title, poisoning the minds of young boys - such as Hatake Kakashi, for one – and not to mention the Hokage's mind too and excusing his peeping at hot springs for research for said books'… but _innocent_ is enough, so why the hell did I waste time writing the exact definition???).

Back on topic, the two advisors had brought to Sarutobi's attention the fact that exactly his precious former student should not be training the Jinchuuriki. Koharu never really cared for Naruto himself – who she thought was nothing more than a nuisance that caused trouble – but they couldn't very well let him get stronger: it had been already bad enough that the brat got promoted to genin (defeating a chunnin, no less), ending up in the same team as Uchiha Sasuke and now was on his way to compete in the third part of the chunnin exams… Konoha really didn't need to worry about an incontrollable Jinchuuriki, much less one that got trained by _a Sannin_ – he'd be too dangerous.

Hiruzen had been extremely pissed to hear that, of course, being the 'Jinchuuriki' one of those buttons that could annoy the man. He had gotten close to stand up and start shouting – which would have been fun to see, no doubt - only to regain enough control to simply grit out that he wasn't responsible for the encounter between the two, but that he was not intentioned in interrupting the Jinchuuriki's training now that he found a teacher who would actually _teach _him.

"Stupid man…" Koharu mumbled, shaking her head, as she finally reached her destination: the hot springs. She needed to relax after the meeting. The woman got in, bowing her head lightly to greet the owner of the thermal establishment and then entered the door labelled 'ladies'; once inside she carefully took off her kimono and the protective plates underneath it, folding the fabric neatly and heading to the small stalls to wash before going outside to indulge in the hot, soothing waters.

Koharu was just about to pull the sliding door open, when she felt a powerful and somewhat familiar chakra signature (of course the owner of said signature was concealing it, but the woman could feel it anyway if only faintly: she hasn't reached the venerable age of seventy for nothing) coming from nearby – from the other side of the wall, to be precise. Knowing very well who it was, Koharu thought it presented a great way to relieve her nerves so, with a small smirk on her lips, she draw her hands together and whispered a "Henge!" that was soon followed by a cloud of smoke.

When the door opened, a twenty year-old Koharu stepped out into the secluded area of the pools, white towel hiding her young, fit body from view. Discretely looking around, the henged woman spotted a small hole directly opposite of her – an eye could be seen peeking from behind the wall – so she took a couple of steps forward, until she reached the edge of the pool, then proceeded to unfold the white cloth.

-x-

_"__Wow~! Just my luck…!! Look at pretty, pretty girl!!"_ thought Jiraya, as a beautiful young woman stepped into his field of vision. The Sannin could already feel his nose start to bleed, when the beauty on the other side began to slowly taking off the towel covering that heavenly body.

-x-

Koharu had completely opened the towel, leaving her young body exposed for a few moments then she lowered her arms to her hips and looked around quickly – she was alone, good.

The woman turned to the wall and her eyes zeroed on the hole from which she knew Jiraya was undoubtedly experiencing a nosebleed (her body at twenty had made more then one shinobi collapse, after all), ravaging her with his eyes and probably already planning to use her of his research… it was time to act, though.

"Enjoying the view, Jiraya-_kun_…?" she addressed the man hidden in a sweet, saccharine voice and a seductive smile. She heard a startled gasp signifying Jiraya was surprised she knew he was there and her smile turned into an almost sadistic smirk as she raised a hand to dispel the henge, her wrinkled yet still toned old body fully in the field of vision of the pervert spying on her. "What about now, eh?"

From the outside, she could hear clearly the horrified scream leaving Jiraya's lungs, soon followed by a thump indicating he had fainted.

Koharu sank into the warm water just as she heard Naruto shout "ERO-SANNIN!!! WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU HAVE TA TRAIN MEEE!!!!!", she laughed a bit and relaxed.

_"__Serves him right; he'll think about it twice before peek on women next time…"_ was all she thought.

* * *

_**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Jiraya**_

_**1)**_ "I **HATE** FROGS!!! I can't believe this!!" _[after using the Kuchiyose no Jutsu for the first time and being faced with Gamabunta]_

_**2)**_ "Orochi-chan!!!" _[glomping Orochimaru]_

_**3)**_ "I swear I've NEVER read any porn, much less WRITTEN it…!"

_**4)**_ "Tsunade with big boobs? What are you, blind?? She's flat as a board!" _[pointing at said woman's __**massive**__ bosom]_

_**5)**_ "You know, I'm actually homosexual: women gross me out." _[kindly suggested by Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare: thanks :D]_

_**6)**_ "Naruto is such a genius!"

_**7)**_ "How can you say Orochimaru and Michel Jackson are the same?! They're **totally** different!!!"

_**8)**_ "I think that Uchiha kid went after Orochi-chan because he wanted to become really cool: Orochi-chan is the coolest of all!!"

_**9)**_ "I always wanted to kick Sarutobi-sensei."

_**10)**_ "This spiky hair can cause a lot of problems, you know…"


	25. Orochimaru

_Hello! :D_

_Alright, I don't have much to say for this chapter exept that I like the idea ^^ With the next chapter I'll start on Akastuki!_

_Thanks to my (few ç.ç) reviewers and to those who read only! :D_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**OROCHIMARU**_

It wasn't a particularly good day for Orochimaru… he had just made a **big** mistake and he was fully conscious that the consequences might not bode well for him, so he decided to flee from the Forest of Death as soon as possible. The planned invasion be damned! He couldn't stay there, knowing the horrible mistake he'd done…!

"I _knew_ I should've listened to what my horoscope said…!" grumbled the snake Sannin shaking his head dejectedly. "… 'Look out for random prodigy kids throwing themselves in your path'… it was right…"

Arriving at the outer edge of Konoha's forest within one hour, Orochimaru waited for Kabuto to finally realize he was nowhere to be found: like hell he was going to tell the guy himself, least he thought he really cared for him – sure, Kabuto was a valuable spy but he had the disturbing habit of putting words in his mouth that the older shinobi would _never_ say to him, no matter how sick and twisted the Sannin was.

Orochimaru thought back on that time he told Kabuto it was almost time to change body… the expression on Kabuto's face had made even the snake-lover ninja shudder internally (of course he couldn't let his subordinates see him get disturbed by his personal medic/spy) and he vowed on _killing himself_ rather than ending up having to take Kabuto's body as his own.

"Orochimaru-sama…" the leer and the attempt on making a 'come-hilter' voice was impossible to confuse; the Sannin mentally shuddered again.

"Kabuto. We're going away from here, immediately." he ordered.

"How come…? What about the invasion?"

"Never mind that…" at the blank look on Kabuto's face, Orochimaru got irritated. "I've changed my mind ok?!"

"… As you wish… Orochimaru-sama." yet another shudder.

"Plus… my aim is terrible today… I hit the wrong target in the Forest of Death…"

"Oh, is that so? What do we do then…?"

"Hope the wrongly cursed one doesn't get any ideas…!"

With that, the two hurried towards Otogakure, where the currently used hideout was located.

-x-

The snake Sannin, though, since arriving 'home' had been experiencing the longest goose bumps phase ever recorded: two entire weeks of having that feeling was making his experiments difficult – keeping the instruments in a trembling hand didn't do good when you had to cut the specimen into very small pieces…

Finally tired and pissed at his own body, Orochimaru had decided to do something for those goose bumps when Kabuto made his appearance inside the laboratory.

"Orochimaru-sama…" he said, leer ever-present. "A visit for you. _He_'s waiting in your room…" the Sannin didn't like the emphasis on the 'he'.

"And who would that be, eh?" he answered narrowing his yellow eyes.

"He said something about you having been _waiting for him to arrive_…" Kabuto's voice had taken on a dangerous tone, making another shiver run down his master's back.

"……" Orochimaru didn't answer. The gears inside his brain were working quickly – waiting for this someone to arrive? He didn't remember an appointment with anyone… who could this be?? After two minutes or so, the snake-lover's eyes widened, realization dawning on him. "Oh dammit! Don't tell me that stupid kid came here?!"

"… Well, he _is_ a young boy…" Kabuto said, almost envious. "What's wrong with that?"

"Oh fuck!… This is what I was fearing!!" Orochimaru stared to pace the room, his hands pulling at his hair in distress. "I wanted the girl! The GIRL!!! Why, out of the three of them, it was HIM to jump in front of me first?!?!?! I HATE REVENGE-OBSESSED KIDS!! Especially **Uchiha** revenge-obsessed kids, dammit!!!"

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Orochimaru**

_**1)**_ "You don't understand!… It's not me who copied Michel Jackson; it's the other way round!!"

_**2)**_ "Ashsssakassssaaa…!" _[trying to speak Parseltongue]_

_**3)**_ "Gyyyaaaaa!! Heelllppp" _[running in circle to escape the enraged snake: he ended up insulting its mother]_

_**4)**_ "I love little girls!! They're _so_ cute!"

_**5)**_ "What? I've **never** inappropriately touched a boy in my life! I don't understand where you'd get something like that!" _[kindly suggested by A.D. Williams: thanks :D]_

_**6)**_ "Kabuto, I think you're freaking crazy: quit following me around! You're creeping me!!" _[shuddering internally]_

_**7)**_ "Why?! Who?! How come I've gotta wear this awful kimono-thing?!?! Am I not ugly enough…?!"

_**8)**_ "Oh! Look, Sasuke-kun, I'm paler than you!!" _[taunting Sasuke]_

_**9)**_ "OMFG!!! I'm out of purple eyeliner!!!!!!" _[frantically searching]_

_**10)**_ "I wouldn't exchange my body for nothing in the world."


	26. Sasori

_Hello! :D_

_So, here I go with Akatsuki! First up is Sasori, both because he's related to Orochimaru (having been partners) and also because he's the first one to die... now, I don't know which order to follow... should I go with the previous 'dying order' or just go as I please?? I __**had**__ thought on having Akatsuki pairs in 'appearance order' but having done Sasori first, that quite blows my plans up as the first two to appear are Itachi and Kisame (which is_ way _before all the others)..._

_Well I'll think about it :P_

_Here's the chapter, enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**SASORI**_

Akasuna no Sasori had nothing to do. He was quite bored.

Granted, it wasn't unusual for him to be: he got bored easily, after all he didn't really have a hobby besides murdering people - preferably some strong shinobi with a good set of techniques – and turning them into puppets… he didn't have his mind full of farfetched plans to become some sort of God, he didn't care much for money, nor for a stupid religion (though Jashin actually _promoted_ murder), he didn't talk to his sword like it was a person with an actual brain, he wasn't keen on eating people nor on playing origami and he most certainly didn't spend his time waiting for his stupid (obsessed, should I add) brother to get stronger so he could kill him and ridding him of his guilt (never mind the fact that he didn't have a brother to begin with).

Thus, he was bored out of his mind. At a time like this, he almost missed Orochimaru… _**almost**_. It was, admittedly, strange for the puppeteer to think that, but he and the ex-Sannin (his title had not been removed, but having betrayed Konoha Sasori doubted the snake-lover could still call himself such) had been partners since the start and being alone now didn't help Sasori's boredom… Orohimaru's habit of 'praising' (read: ogling) his finely wooden body had been – while annoying, disturbing and downright creepy – at least something that kept him busy (avoiding the man's sickly fingers).

Sighing, Sasori continued his lonely walk up the forest's path. He was starting to get hungry… he saw a small tavern up ahead and thought he could stop by and eat something in peace – thankfully he had discarded his outer puppet-form and his hand-made Akatsuki cloak (the other had been shredded by Orochimaru's freakishly long nails in one of his last attempts at landing a hand on him and Konan had not yet ordered him a new one) in favor of normal shinobi wear, so he needn't have to worry about being recognized.

"Hello young man, would you like to order?" came a waitress with a smiling face, mistaking him for a fifteen years-old or so.

"_That's what I get for having turned myself into a puppet…! Damned my teenaged appearance!!"_ thought Sasori grimly before replying monotonously. "Green tea and dango."

"Coming right up."

As the waitress turned around , the puppeteer looked round the small tavern and stiffened a bit when his eyes came in contact with a group of Konoha ninja sitting at one of the tables near the entrance. They seemed genin, if the tall black-haired woman dressed in bandages – or was that toilet paper?? – and the three teenagers with her were any indication…

"_Seriously… Konoha's standards got pretty low… or maybe it just fashion tastes that have gone downwards; I mean, a jonin dressed in toilet paper? A kid with a hideous, dirty jacket talking to a dog? A girl that might just fall dead at any given moment? And another kid whose only clear visible part of skin is the forehead 'cause he's got a super high-collared jacket…??"_ Sasori could do little that shake his head in disbelief. "Are you shitting me?" he mumbled.

"Here you go, sweetheart!" the waitress interrupted the puppeteer's thoughts. Sasori glared at her for the 'sweetheart' part but said nothing.

-x-

"_Why are they so restless…?"_ Shino couldn't comprehend his bugs' behavior: since he and his team had entered the small tavern, some of his insects had started to shift and pull at him to be released but the genin didn't understand the reason.

He looked around discreetly (not that he really needed to be discreet, he wore sunglasses!), trying to find the source of his bugs' restlessness. His eyes fell upon a strange guy with red hair sitting at a table in the far left hand of the tavern; the person looked a bit older than Shino himself but not by much, he wore typical shinobi attire yet traveled alone…

What was strange was that what he could see of the guy's skin was a light brownish color that didn't seem tan… it didn't even _seem_ skin – it looked like polished wood or something…

Shino shrugged and decided to let his bugs roam free, just to rid himself of their insistence.

-x-

Sasori was almost finished with his snack when a strange sensation began somewhere near his feet, climbing his wooden body rapidly; he started to squirm on his seat at the tickling yet displeasing feeling. When the tickling started also on his hands, the puppeteer lifted one to his eyes and finally understood what was causing the uncomfortable feel of minuscule teeth eating at his wooden skin.

With eyes wide in horror, Sasori bolted from the small tavern at lightning speed (and without paying), rushing to find a secluded spot to get rid of his problem.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! STUPID TERMITIES!!!!!!!!"

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Sasori**

_**1)**_"I love my village! I'll stay here forever and ever!!"

_**2)**_ " 'Akasuna' doesn't come from the fact that my sand is _red_, but because it's actually **rust**…!" _[exasperated by the umpteenth mistake]_

_**3)**_ "Deidara is the best partner I could ever ask for, UN!"

_**4)**_ "Hahahahahahaha!!!! Owww…! Ow! OWW!!… FUCKING TERMITIES!!!!!!!!!!" _[running around scrubbing at himself hysterically]_

_**5)**_ "I think Deidara got it right about art: it's all about destruction, UN." _[nodding and watching Deidara dance in victory]_

_**6)**_ "I LUV U, Grandma!!!!" _[throwing his arms around Chiyo's neck]_

_**7)**_ "Gyyyaaaahhh!! Someone, please, water!! I caught on fireeeee!!!!!!!"

_**8)**_ "I preferred Orochi-dumb as a partner…" _[pouting at the loss]_

_**9)**_ "I think I have a very girlish voice, don't you think?"

_**10)**_ "Eh…? Oh, yes, take your time I don't mind waiting." _[smiling]_


	27. Hidan

_Hello! :D_

_In this rather chilly morning, I bring you something to laugh about! XD I decided to go for 'death order' so this is Hidan's chapter; I got the idea for this from a story I've descovered recently - it doesn't really have anything to do with what I wrote, but it helped my muse to come up with this!_

_Enjoy! :P_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**HIDAN**_

_' __Dear Jashin-sama,_

_I know you probably have no idea who the hell I am – then again, you might… being a God and all you're supposed to 'look after people' for, if anything, possible believers. It must be hard for you to find someone actually _wanting_ to be your disciple as your religion promotes – no, _wishes_ – for tangible sacrifice to satisfy your thirst for blood whenever you want… for this reason, I hereby offer you my humble and devoted soul for you to do whatever you wish in exchange of immortality._

_I know it might seem a rather presumptuous request, but I can guarantee you won't be disappointed by my offerings: I'm a shinobi, after all, so all of my preys will be strong and for this, the sacrifice will have that much more value – furthermore, I have recently joined a group of rather skilled __motherfuckers__ who, just like me, love to cut people to shreds! The victims are unlikely to fall short in number, so there won't be a problem._

_I will devote myself to worship you, Jashin-sama, like your most faithful servant – even if the damn ritual is too damn long and complicated… but whatever, right?_

_I hope you don't frown upon strong language, because I have no intention on stopping my curses when I'm pissed off at something and/or someone (which happens a lot, and _will_ happen a lot if I get stuck with that damn old man with 'extendible' body parts), not for decency and even less for the sake of others: if they don't want to hear, they'd better put a finger in their ears._

_This said, I'll wait for your answer – hurry up._

_Hidan__ '_

Jashin stared at the letter for a good ten minutes, a huge sweat drop on the back of his head and a twitching eye as a corner of the paper crinkled under the slight pressure of his hand. Why? Why it was always him who got the weirdest idiots of the Mortal world?! That was, probably, the most jumbled mess of crap he'd ever had the disgrace of reading… just who told this 'Hidan' that he was a bloodthirsty God..?!?!

How could this guy find his address?? On the outside of the once folded piece of paper was written: **To Jashin-sama, Department of Death Gods, 20th floor, 2nd door on the left directly in front of the stairs, Gods Palace, Heaven**. That was one hell of a precise address!! Usually the mail got sorted by a specific office… but somehow this guy had found HIS address…!

"It's better to let him believe what he wants and grant him his 'immortality'… wouldn't want to find this guy in front of my door…" mumbled Jashin with a shudder, hugging himself and trembling in fear.

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Hidan**

_**1)**_ "Jashin is a big, fat, piece of crap!"

_**2)**_ "Don't you dare call me infidel!!" _[pointing an accusing finger at a random person]_

_**3)**_ "People, these days, they die so quickly… it's not even funny…" _[sighing and shaking his head disappointed]_

_**4)**_ "Kakuzu is the most generous guy I know…! Whenever you need money, he'll lend it to you without problem."

_**5)**_ "Jashin-sama absolutely loves me!"

_**6)**_ "Drawing is my favourite hobby!! That's why I'm so good at that ritual!" _[very proud look]_

_**7)**_ "I don't believe in anything. Like hell you'll ever see me praying!" _[while entering a church]_

_**8)**_ "Waah! You swore…! Oooohhh you're _so_ going to hell for that!" _[jumping like an overly excited kid]_

_**9)**_ "Oh nooo!! I'm going to diiieeee!!!!… Farewell, infedels!"

_**10)**_ "I'll defeat my enemies boring them to death with my lectures on Jashin-sama!"


	28. Kakuzu

_Hello everyone! :D_

_**HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!**__ (Gosh, I'm getting old... ç.ç Kidding! XD)_

_Alright, I won't waste much time, cuz it's been awhile and I know you're all anxious to read the new chapter! *assuming! :P* It turned out a little different from what I'd thought but I like anyway cuz I'm in here, mwahahahaha!!! *-* ...cough cough... uhm, oh! It's a pretty long chapter (probably the longest so far) :D_

_Have fun (I certanly did!)_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

_**P.s. Next up will be Deidara and after him, I'll have to think up sentences for the other Akatsuki members: suggestions are more than welcome! **__**(Not only Itachi, please :P)**_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**KAKUZU**_

Of all the members of Akatsuki, he, Kakuzu, was the oldest in terms of both age and 'partnership'. Along with Sasori, he'd been the first to agree in working together with Pein – although he couldn't very well stand the fact that he had to take orders from someone younger than him – and help him in making of Akatsuki an oligarchy of _super-wonderful_ shinobi inspiring fear in the great country's hearts.

Sure, when Kakuzu thought about it, he still was surprised they actually made it… with the bunch of insane, weird-looking-AND-acting ninja they ended up recruiting it was a wonder people around the world actually took them seriously, but hey, as long as they had to kill who was complaining…? Still, every time they gathered to discuss something, the older shinobi couldn't stop his head from shaking in disbelief.

Plus he couldn't very well forgive Pein for his choice of putting him with Hidan – who was definitely annoying; not like Deidara, but close enough to be a bother but who was fortunate to have 'immortality'… Kakuzu still grimaced recalling the fight involving Hidan, Orochimaru and the supposed immortality… - when he'd expressively asked him to get Sasori as a partner. The two of them went along pretty well as their personality was rather similar: they were quiet, they liked doing things smooth and without wasting time, they didn't like waiting for others – in short, the perfect pair.

But of course, if _Master_ Pein (in-the-ass) didn't torture his subordinates burdening them with partners they couldn't stand, how could his plan of 'making **everyone** understand what real pain meant' be engraved into the people that had to make it come to life…?

-x-

"What d'ya mean, you've gotta go to a place _alone_?!" came Hidan's demand.

"I mean what I said, so shut it." answered Kakuzu annoyed. "It's something I have to do on my own; can't you just go play with some kittens or something?!"

"I don't play with kittens!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Kakuzu was already tuning him out, walking away from his partner without looking back. _"See, if I'd had Sasori as a partner he wouldn't have asked me!"_

-x-

"… Aww… I don't really want to go in there…"

Kakuzu had reached his destination: a small house with a western-style façade and a porch, a little garden with a pond-like puddle of water and some flowers scattered near the wall of the house; it was overall simple but obviously a place someone like Kakuzu would never approach, much less willingly visit.

Yet there he was. Trembling from head to feet.

Since when he joined Akatsuki, Kakuzu had taken upon himself to take care of their finances and their expenses (most people thought Akatsuki lived of charity or something – how stupid of them)… maintaining their hideouts clean, their outfits always perfect, their weapons always sharp and deadly was expensive! Oh, then there was also the food for everyone. If Kakuzu hadn't been in charge, all of them would have already died – with the exception of Zetsu, maybe, who would most likely end up eating them all to survive…

But at first, when he joined, Pein didn't have the money to start his advertising campaign (the slogan had been along the lines of **'You love violence? You love blood? Then we have the perfect place for you! Join **_**Akatsuki**_** and all your dreams will come true!'**; it worked because everyone, except Deidara and Itachi, came after reading it) so they had to find someone who would lend them some funds.

And find them they did. But at what price…

"Aaah… I see we have guests…" a pleasant voice tore Kakuzu from his thoughts with a minute shudder. "Hello there, Kazu-chan!"

"Good afternoon." choked out the shinobi. He still wasn't used to the reaction the person elicited from him. _"Thank God I'm alone…"_

"Come on inside, Kazu-chan, c'mon." the person, a teenage girl with shoulder-blade-long brown hair dressed in normal shinobi ware, turned and made her way to the back of the building with Kakuzu in toe. Two minutes later, they arrived in front of a wooden sliding door; the girl opened it and stepped aside, letting the old ninja get inside before entering herself and closing the door. Like always when he came here, Kakuzu felt the gong of Doom echo as the door shut behind him.

"Hello, Kazu-chan, it's been awhile." came the greeting from a second person, sitting behind a desk with her right elbow propped on the surface and a hand lazily cupping a cheek.

"… Yes," Kakuzu replied quietly, observing the young woman in front of him: she had chocolate, shoulder-length curly hair, hazel eyes behind squared glasses. She was smiling, and it chilled Kakuzu. "it's been awhile, Ylenia-sama."

Her smile widened a fraction, her lips parted just enough that a hint of white teeth showed. "This not a how-you're-doing visit, is it." the woman's eyes narrowed, taking on a sharp, kunai-like edge. "Lerryn-chan." She said, looking at the young girl standing a few feet to her left.

"On it." said Lerryn, taking out a thick book with a leather cover; she opened it and flicked through the pages quickly until she stopped at a section with the name 'AKATSUKI' engraved in red. "Here it is, boss." handling the volume to the older woman, she smirked a little.

"Aaah, here we are…" said Ylenia sporting a devilish smile on her lips. "As you know, Kazu-chan, we've been partners in business for quite some time and I have to say Akatsuki's my most disciplined client: you never fail to pay the quote I've established for every semester." she switched hand so that her head was supported by her left. "Which is good, because I think you _know_ what would happen if you didn't respect the pact, don't you, Kazu-chan?"

Kakuzu tried to hold in his shudder as he looked into those icy spectacled eyes; the businesswoman had a relaxed attitude but the shinobi could see the dark and menacing aura begin to surround her, her eyes turning a dark brown that spelled death as clear as a summer's day. "I'm perfectly aware. That's why it's me taking care of our money…"

"Well, I'm glad then." she extended her free hand and waited for Kakuzu to give her the envelope with her cash, passing it over to Lerryn who placed it safely away. Going back to stare at the man in front of her, Ylenia chuckled when she noticed the slight shaking of the ninja's hands. "What d'you say, Lerryn-chan… if we give him a glass of milk he might turn it into a milkshake in a minute, eh?" she commented, laughing.

"Haha! Yeah, he might…! I want a chocolate milkshake, though…" answered the teenager, laughing as well and eyeing how Kakuzu clenched his hands into fists to minimize the shaking.

"… Well, I guess your visit has come to an end, Kazu-chan. You may go… and say hi to your friends for us, 'mkay?" the woman had reverted back to a pleasant – too pleasant – smile, waving her hand in his direction.

In mere minutes, Kakuzu was out the small house and far far away from it, only then did he let his breath refill his lungs as he tried to calm his frantic heart, least he caused himself a seizure (he had an age, after all). _"SCARYYYY"_ was all he could think. He remained huddled in the shadows under a tree for a long while, rocking back and forth on his feet as he hugged his knees.

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Kakuzu**

_**1)**_"Aaahh!!! No, Lerryn-sama…! I swear I'll pay you back next time…!!" _[praying for mercy 'cause he lost the money in gambling]_

_**2)**_ "I'm handsome, don't you think?" _[smiling]_

_**3)**_ "I have such faith in the new generation!" _[Gai-pose]_

_**4)**_ "I'm very good at sewing – who do you think has sewed my limbs back together?!" _[offended at some nasty comment]_

_**5)**_ "Please, help… I can't reach up that far! It's not like I can stretch my arms, y'know…"

_**6)**_ "Jashin-sama, save me!!!" _[on his knees praying]_

_**7)**_ "D'you know how many hearts I have?… Wha-? _Five_?! No…! One! I have ONE heart, idiot! What do take me for, a monster?!"

_**8)**_ "Hidan is the best partener I could've ask for: I never risk getting bored; he has _so_ many topics he likes to discuss, he could go on for days! It's really stimulating travelling with him."

_**9)**_ "Once someone mistook me for a scarecrow…" _[head down, sulking in a corner]_

_**10)**_ "You should see what comes out of my mouth at times… literally…" _[scary look on his face]_


	29. Deidara

_Hello!! :D_

_Super-fast update for this, haha!_

_I've now officially surpassed 'Ten things...', yay!! ^-^ I guess I should be deleting it, as I had promised (to myself) I would have... after all, I don't understand why people would continue to read and favourite that story when there's THIS version, which is, in my opinion, better because there's more to read and laugh about..._

_Enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**DEIDARA**_

Of all the members of Akatsuki, there was the common knowledge that Deidara was without a doubt the most annoying (before the arrival of Tobi, that is) – it was no surprise that some of the evil creatures called 'fan fiction writers' more often than not, in alternative universe stories, paired him with Ino or Naruto as siblings: they had a similar personality (which was terrifying) – and everyone, at one point or another, had secretly prepared a plan to make him shut up…

The blond she-man – for it was still unchecked which gender he (she) actually was; but we'll go with 'male' to simplify everything and to pacify Deidara – was the living nemesis of a fearsome group such as Akatsuki because they were supposed to be the nightmare infesting every leader's mind. They had an image and a reputation to maintain, for Jashin's sake! Allowing someone like Deidara in had been astonishingly counterproductive: he was far too hyperactive, far too loud, far too nosy, far too brightly colored… Deidara was _**far too**_, period.

And let's not forget the fact that he wasn't really all that fond of killing; sure, making things explode _did_ cause a good number of casualties, but Deidara didn't choose his targets based on how much people he could wipe away – he simply liked to have things go BOOM! Even if the place was completely empty: the only aspect that the blond thought important was how artistically the thing exploded.

But it was too late to kick him out. It would be like admitting they had been deceived by a transvestite and that _could not_ happen if they wanted to be taken seriously. The only ways to get rid of him would have been 1) for him to die in a mission (capturing a Jinchuuriki or avenging his 'pride' against some obsessed 'prodigy') or 2) incapacitate him in some way.

-x-

"Alright, guys. Everyone here?" came Pein's voice, looking around.

"Yes." answered Sasori.

"Perfect. Now, I guess you all know why we're here, don't you?" asked their leader.

"No shit, Sherlock." mumbled Hidan. "That 'COME IMMEDIATELY AT THE BASE, WE HAVE TO TAKE OUT/TAKE CARE OF DEIDARA' we found scribbled on our cloaks was really difficult to interpret…"

"Shut your filthy mouth, idiot, Pein-sama is talking!" spat out Konan, glaring at Hidan.

"What a lovely lady we have here…" said Kakuzu, earning a glare himself.

"So? Anyone got any ideas?" Kisame spoke up. "Personally, I don't care all that much… but if the squirt keeps calling me 'steroid-dolphin' I might feel the need to feed Samehada with his chakra…"

"Aww, why? I like Deidara! He's _so lively_…" commented White Zetsu, licking his lips in hunger. **"Yesss… he's so full of energy… yum!"** added Black Zetsu.

A shudder of repulsion travelled around the S-class shinobi gathered, everyone taking an unconscious step back to distance themselves from the plant-man.

"Sasori… you're his partner; have you got something to say?" Pein turned toward the puppeteer.

"… Yes I do have something to say." the ex-sand ninja looked at his 'leader'. "It's your fault I got stuck with such infuriating nuisance!!" the sharp tail of the puppet pointed at Pein. "I expect you take responsibility for my mental sanity!"

"What, 'cause we still got it?" commented Kakuzu before tuning out the conversation again: he didn't care about Deidara's fate.

"… Itachi…" Pein turned to address the last participant of that secret meeting. "You still haven't said what you think…"

"……" Itachi slowly opened his red eyes, Sharingan spinning lazily.

"Uhm… what do you think of Deidara…?" Pein tried again.

"…… He made fun of me because I was watching SpongeBob."

Huge gasps followed the Uchiha's revelation. Deidara dared comment on Itachi's preferences! He dared say something about them out loud and _in front of the Sharingan wielder_!! The entire Akatsuki (minus Deidara) was completely shocked, their mouths hanging open, eyes unblinking and air barely making its way into their lungs.

A moment more of silence, then in everyone's mind the verdict had been decided: Deidara was to fall victim of Itachi's Tsukuyomi and remain trapped inside a hellish Hell for as long as the Uchiha deemed appropriate.

-x-

"GYYYAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone save meeeee!!!!!"

Deidara's screams were highly entertaining for the other Akatsuki members, especially because the noisy ninja wasn't really going anywhere, but no one had yet asked Itachi what he'd done to the blond.

"… Say, where did you trap him?" finally asked Kisame.

"Inside a shojo anime. Dressed in pink. Without explosives."

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Deidara**

_**1)**_ "Oh, my, Tobi… you're such a cutie!!" _[blushing and shifting his feet]_

_**2)**_ "I've always wanted to join an organization full of assassins, un!" _[forgetting that he was tricked into it]_

_**3)**_"Sasoriiii… hurry the heck up! I'm sick of waiting!"

_**4)**_ "Itachi and me are buddies, un!!" _[hugging him, unfazed by the glare directed at him]_

_**5)**_ "Explosives are too messy; they're awfully inelegant."

_**6)**_ "Un, un, un, UN, **UN**!... STOP SAYING 'UN', WOULD YOU, SASORI?!?!?!" _[pissed]_

_**7)**_ "Oh, guys c'mon… we're in public, please refrain 'till we get home…" _[scolding his two mouths, busy making out]_

_**8)**_ "Konan, you have to act more girly: look at me and follow my lead – you'll make guys fall at your feet with a glance!" _[proud of his feminine looks]_

_**9)**_ "Itachi-kun, do you mind if a put a little makeup on you? Just a little bit of blush – for a softer appearance!"

_**10)**_ "**F** is for fire that burns down the whole town, **U** is for uranium...BOMBS, **N** is for no surivors when you- GAHH!!" _[gets pinned to the ground by a hyper SpongeBob] [suggested by Lerryn: thanks! :D]_


	30. Itachi

_Hello everyone! :D_

_It's been a while, eh? Gomen but I got busy with other stories and couldn't concentrate on this... plus I didn't want to screw up with this chapter because it's quite IMPORTANT (it's also the 30th, wow); for this, I decided to write not one but TWO 'drabbles' and, really, I wanted to write more LOL (maybe I could do an extra one...? :P)_

_On with it!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_ XD

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**ITACHI**_

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

"Yeah, yeah, comin'… who the fuck is it anyway?" he said, mumbling the last part irritatingly; he had just stepped out of the shower, still dripping water and with only a towel to cover him up he lazily walked to the door.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

"Kisame open the fucking door!!!" Itachi's voice shouted on the other side, pounding frantically on the wooden surface.

"You've got the key, dimwit!" realizing who it was, Kisame turned his back to the door to go dress.

Silence. Then… "Oh, you're right…"

Itachi fumbled inside his cloak to find his key but the damn pockets were _deep_ had he had all kinds of junk in them – lipstick, eyeliner, kunai, toothbrush, Bingo book, pen, hand-mirror, etc… - so it took him five minutes to locate his SpongeBob Squarepants keychain.

As soon as the Uchiha managed to enter the room, he jumped on top of the unsuspecting shark-like ninja, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him violently, screaming as a new wave of panic took Itachi.

"Kisame! Kisame, look!! Look!! THE HORROR!!!"

"Give. It. A. Break." Kisame gasped in-between shakes. Once Itachi calmed somewhat, the older shinobi spoke up. "Now, what the hell are you talkin' about??"

"THIS, OF COURSE!!" yelled the Uchiha, holding up a hand and planting it in front of Kisame's face like it was the most terrifying thing in existence and what Kisame saw was…

A broken nail.

"SEE?!?! THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!" Itachi was so close to tears his voice was expressing emotion – horror, panic, grief, depression – to a level never before heard; he was also shaking mildly, looking like a lost puppy or a monk who'd lost his faith.

"YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE!!!" Kisame yelled at the top of his voice, not believing what he was seeing – and _**that**_ would be the ninja who, alone and at the age of thirteen, wiped out his entire clan?? Bullshit.

"You don't understand! Now I'll have to cut all the other nails!! It's a disaster!! Bwaaaahh!!" Itachi started sobbing into his (mutilated) hands while Kisame threw him a disgusted look and went out of the room.

* * *

It was a quiet day for the Akatsuki organization. The recruits were now ten, with the last acquisition – Uchiha Itachi, from Konohagakure, barely thirteen years of age but extremely skilled.

These weren't busy days for the group of evil-plotting S-class missing-ninja, because the organization was rather new and their 'to-do' list was a work-in-progress project on which the leader, Pein, was working every month or so: he was a God and Gods didn't bow down to do something as trivial as a 'to do' list! He had the right to go with the flow (because HE created that flow, being a God and all, and he would do whatever he wanted with it!!) and the best thing was that his nine subordinates HAD to follow his orders, whether they liked it or not, because Pein was GOD, bwahaha!!! *cough cough*

Back on topic…

Akatsuki's hideout was peaceful (oh the irony) or so it seemed, until—

"You lookin' for a fight?!?!" came a boyish voice.

"Well, yes why not, kid!!" came a snaky remark, challenging.

"Ya don't know anything about it, old man!"

"Who're you calling 'old man', child?!"

"You, old man! And I say you don't know a thing 'bout that!"

"I know damn better than you, Uchiha! I insist, orange."

"Tz', doubt it." snorted Itachi. "Not happening, I repeat! Are you shitting me…??"

"I'm completely serious: hands and feet, orange."

At that point, all the remaining members of the organization had showed up and were silently watching the pair bicker, not quite understanding what was going on.

"Are they playing Twister…?" asked White Zetsu.

**"****No, you fucking idiot."** answered Black Zetsu.

They all looked on as Orochimaru and Itachi continued to discuss.

"NO. We all already agreed on our uniform, or did we?"

"Yes, so what?!"

" 'So what'? _'So what'_?!? What, you can't SEE colors?!?!"

"I can see them perfectly well." answered Orochimaru, piercing the other with snake-like eyes.

"Than you hafta agree with me: purple is A LOT BETTER!"

"What?! No."

"Why not…? It looks good, damn it. And you use it already!"

"I do not use it; not for what you're suggesting, anyway!! I still think orange would be perfect."

Itachi finally seemed to snap. "ORANGE NAIL POLISH DOESN'T FIT WITH BLACK-AND-RED UNIFORMS, IDIOT!!!!!!"

The audience could only shake their heads and mumble incoherent things under their breaths at the absurdity of the situation.

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Itachi**

_**1)**_ "I HATE these fucking lines!!!! What the hell, I'm barely twenty-two, how can I already have wrinkles?!?!" _[staring angrily at the mirror]_

_**2)**_ _*__wearing sunglasses* _"I must never take these off... if you look into my eyes something very bad will happen..." _*takes glasses off for demonstration and lasers shoot out his eyes*_ "... I did warn you..." _[shrugging at a pile of what's left of the 'victim'] [suggested by Lerryn: thanks :D]_

_**3)**_ "Danzo-san? Danzo-san??… Mmm I may have killed him by accident… oh well, I'm sure no one will miss him much…" _[thirteen year-old Itachi scratching his head and deactivating the Tsukuyomi]_

_**4)**_ "I may **look** like a weasel, I may **sound** like a weasel and my name **MAY** mean weasel but don't be fooled because… I. Am. A. **SUPER WEASEL**~~!…To da max!!!" _[doing a 'Grr-I'm-a-tiger/Jiraya-super-pervert-dance combo move'] [suggested by narutolover94: thanks :D]_

_**5)**_ "Only homos and girls would wear a ponytail." _[receives pointed looks from all Akatsuki members] [adapted from Smiley's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**6)**_ "C'mon Sasu-chan, let's go training!!!" _[beckoning Sasuke to go with him]_

_**7)**_ "Aaaaahhhh!! Kakuzu I luv you!!! You bought the straightening irons, yay!! Now my ponytail will be perfectly in order…!" _[hugging Kazu-chan with a dreamy face] [adapted from Lerryn's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**8)**_ "You! Yes, you, Neji Hyuuga! I want that bag…! It's _sooo_ cute~~!!"

_**9)**_ "Gah!! Hands off, you paedophile!! That nail polish IS MINE!!!!" _[__attacking__ Orochimaru to save his nail polish]_

_**10)**_ "NO. We can't change our distinctive feature…! What will be of us, if we do?! They'll ridicule us!… ORANGE DOESN'T FIT WITH BLACK-AND-RED UNIFORMS, IDIOTS!!!!!!"


	31. Pein Nagato

_Hello everyone! :D_

_I tried to make this quick because in the next four days I've got to think of other fics to complete before Valentine's Day :P I'll admit this chapter might not be the funniest but I do hope you like it anyway!  
Little note: I mentioned here __**seven**__ Akatsuki members because Deidara is not counted - he joins after Itachi (_because _of Itachi... oh well)_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**PEIN**__**/NAGATO**_

Ever since most of those he'd loved had died of some horrible death – or rather stupid: I mean, how's it possible to live in the Rain Country and not be able to SWIM for God's sake?!? You'd just be calling for it! Stupid Yahiko, all talk and nothing else! – Pein had come to the conclusion that, other than Konan, no one else could understand him fully; and even then, the only woman in Akatsuki (biologically speaking) had a tendency of acting a little manish sometimes – she cussed like a sailor… her and Hidan would start a contest at times, and Hidan would _lose_…

When Pein had decided to start up his own criminal organization, his childhood friend had agreed because she had nothing better to do, but she hadn't bothered to actually listen to what his idea for this 'Akatsuki' had been (and still is, though none of its members know it for the same exact reason). Pein had been extremely happy with himself, praising his own _super_ fantastic idea that not even God would have thought up!

That was when he started thinking of himself as God…

Back on topic, though. Even if he had seven skilled 'motherfuckers', like Hidan always says, to do his bidding, poor little Pein-sama still felt he was fighting his battle alone… none of those aiding him could understand his pain, oh may Pein-sama have mercy on himself! He was so depressed – not that anyone could see it: that Rinnengan didn't really help things, it confuses people to look into it, geez…

But then, that day arrived.

_**[Flashback]**_

"_I'm here to become a part of this Akatsuki organization."_

"_What's your name, kid?" had asked Pein, a little intrigued by the teenager with blooded clothes and Sharingan eyes._

"_Itachi Uchiha. And don't call me 'kid' or I'll make you pay for it."_

"_Careful, Itachi-kun, I doubt you would stand a chance…"_

"_I've slaughtered my entire clan alone, at thirteen." deadpanned Itachi, emotionless eyes not moving from Pein._

_**[End Flashback]**_

He had liked the kid immediately. But it wasn't until some time later that the leader of Akatsuki found out that he finally had a person he could relate to concerning 'his pain'… it had been a glorious day for him, such a great surprise!!

_**[Flashback**__** 2]**_

"_OUCH!!!" Pein had just slammed his hand against the kitchen counter and lifting it to look at it, noticed something… "Aaaahh! Oh noes..!! Oh my Mee!! I left an indentation on TWO of my nails!!! Oh Me, what can I do now?!?!"_

"_Pein-san. I think you could put a band aid on it so it smoothes down. And put a reinforcing nail polish on them."_

"_Oh, Itachi-kun, you're an angel!! I'll do that, thank you!"_

_**[End Flashback**__** 2]**_

He could say that at long last, he'd found someone he could always count on, on matters of such a gravity – because Konan didn't 'waste' time on her nails, pity – and to whom he could give advices in return.

"Pein-sama" he was brought back to the present by Itachi's voice.

"Yes, Itachi-kun?"

"Do you have a filer? This nail is slightly longer…"

"Of course, here. Oh by the way, nice shade of purple!"

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Pein/Nagato**

_**1)**_ "Peace & Love everyone!! Make love, not war!! Come here Konan!!" _[chasing Konan around]_

_**2)**_ "Gaah! What's this?! RAIN, NOOO!! I hate rain!! I'll never live in a country where it rains all year round!!!!" _[screaming and running to shelter after a drop on water hit his nose]_

_**3)**_ "I've always wanted to be part of a reading club…!" _[referring to Akatsuki]_

_**4)**_ "Ooohhh!!! Look at these eyes…!! There all, like, swirly~~!! I'm sooo cool!" _[looking into the mirror for three hours straight] [adapted from Corprus's suggestion: thanks :D]_

_**5)**_ "Maybe I should eat a bit more… my ribs are showing a little, if I go on like this… THE LADIES WON'T LOOK AT ME!!!" _[prodding at his skeletrical appearance and almost snapping a rib]_

_**6)**_ "I would never try to destroy the world, much less Konoha – I love that village!"

_**7)**_ "I'll force everyone in this awful world to understand my pain!!… THE PAIN OF BREAKING A NAIL!!!!!!!" _[cradling his hand to his chest and mourning for the 'dead' nail while Itachi comforts him]_

_**8)**_ "Jashin-sama! I'm your most faithful servant, please accept me as your only Favourite – I can dispose of Hidan in a matter of seconds! He's alone, while I have **six** more bodies!!!" _[furiously writing a letter to said deity]_

_**9)**_ "Konan, the only reason I keep you in Akatsuki is to raise our sex appeal; a shark-like guy, an ugly puppet-thingy, a Jashin-obsessed immortal, an ambiguous she-man really don't make us eye catching…"

_**10)**_ "Madara, you're a fucking old coot! Just drop dead and let me rule over everyone, mwahahah!!!"


	32. Konan

_Hello everyone! :D_

_Sorry for the awful delay but the last chapters are going to be rough to write (except maybe Kisame's) because the characters are not really well known and they don't talk much either. As for this chapter, I know Konan is not dead but she's pretty much disappeared immediately after Nagato died so I think it's right to place her here..._

_Just two more things before I let you go read:  
- The term marked with '*' that you'll see near the end of the shot belongs to __**Sarah1281**__ but it sounds so good I had to use it LOL  
- About the entire second part of the shot... I am truly sorry for what I wrote but I couldn't help myself! I laughed so hard at the idea (though I'm not into __**those **__particular 'items'... I prefer another XP) that I put it although I couldn't bring myself to actually write the fiction inside the fiction...! __^^"_

_Well, enjoy!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**KONAN**_

The Akatsuki lair was quiet today: everyone was out locating or acquiring the Jinchuuriki they still lacked – which were a lot as they only had Shukaku and Nekomata – so Konan and Pein were pretty much alone in the hideout; each could spend some time for their hobbies in peace, without interacting with a group of 'potentially' psychic nuke-nin affected from lack of their monthly stock of killing… really, withdrawal was a bitch, especially if you have no other way to distract yourself apart worshipping a _murder-happy_ deity or rubbing the fact that you're immortal in your enemies' faces…

Luckily for Konan she was not slave of her kills – in fact she did it very rarely; the last person she had killed had been a young woman who had dared take the hair clips she had seen first… - so she didn't risk withdrawal. Plus, her only real weapons were origami… could anyone actually expect her to get rid of other missing ninja or some other S-class shinobi with some piece of folded paper?? What could she expect? No ninja deserving that title would take seriously an enemy attacking with origami… the most Konan could hope for would be her enemy standing there unmoving while she rained paper shuriken (like the ones **kids** used) on him/her and pray the cuts would get infected…!

Really who would die for a paper-cut?? Sure, maybe _poisoned_ origami could be a better weapon, but Jiraya sure hadn't thought about that when he'd trained her and it was too late to ask Sasori: he was dead.

Back on topic, though, Konan was lucky for another reason – she had a perfect way to let some steam blow off; a hobby that **did not** involve Pein (because Yahiko's body sure was more handsome than Nagato's) and *cough cough* 'strange' noises. A harmless, funny hobby that no one knew about… it was a girl's thing: writing! And no mere writing either because for it to be a 'girl's' thing only, there was a word to add to it: Konan wrote _**YAOI**_!

Her stories were based on her fellow companions and, of course, she had her favorite couples: Pein/Itachi (they both loved their nails and nail polish, he have a powerful doujutsu and they have a similar way of seeing peace); Sasori/Kakuzu (there wasn't much to say there: they both love quiet and hate to wait for someone else… a downside of that attitude is that usually their lovemaking is pretty short and Konan actually wondered if Sasori, having had a wooden body, would had been able to 'finish'); Sasori/Deidara (could that really be accounted as yaoi? Deidara has already that 'tranny' look to him that it was a wonder he was actually a man; plus Konan could just imagine the blond saying "Take me, Sasori-danna!" in the thorns of passion) and Pein/Tobi-Madara (well, they wanted to be Gods and they both plan on taking over the world… that's a pretty strong bond when speaking of 'evil guys': they bond over murders and destruction not over changes of heart or Therapy Jutsu*).

So, in this quiet and peaceful day, Konan was seated in front of her laptop munching on some pokies and typing away the latest chapter of her most successful fiction: 'LollyPein'.

-x-

"_Strange…__ my ears are ringing… is someone talking about me…?"_ a sudden chill passed down Pein's and Tobi's backs.

* * *

**10 things you'll never hear coming from: Konan**

_**1) **_*gasp* "Oh Em Gee!!!! I broke a nail…!! How am I going to try my new strobe-yellow nail polish?!?!?" [_absolutely horrified, running to Pein for advice] [suggested by Lerryn: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Hey, look there… such nice girls…" _[smirking and not seeing the mystified look on the other Akatsuki members who are thinking 'Yuri~~!!']_

_**3)**_ "Nagato we have to talk… I've always lied to you: I loved Yahiko not you." _[staring impassively as Nagato starts crying]_

_**4)**_ "I really suck at doing origami. I can't even fold a paper in half, much less create butterflies… tch."

_**5)**_ "Wha—?! NO. I'm NOT going to live in Amegakure!! You kidding?! I HATE rain!!" _[dismissing Pein's proposal to live together]_

_**6)**_ "Oh, Naruto-kun… thanks so much! I can finally leave this loser's side!! I couldn't wait for him to finally kick the bucket!" _[referring to Nagato]_

_**7)**_ "Of course I have a family name… you don't believe it? All right, I'll tell you: it's Mitarashi." _[receiving shocked reactions from Konoha shinobi]_

_**8)**_ "Kyaaaaa~~!! Nagato-kuuuuunn!!!!!" _[full fan-girl mode]_

_**9)**_ "Itachi-kun, you're so young… has anyone ever told you about the Birds and the Bees before you killed your clan?" _[facing a twitching Itachi]_

_**10)**_ "I'm a yaoi fangirl!! My favourite past-time is writing fiction featuring my fellow Akatsuki members…!" _[wide, __**wide**__ smile]_


	33. Kisame

_Hello everyone! :D_

_I confess I left this chapter on the wait on purpose; it wasn't because I didn't have ideas but just because I thought I'd go on with other things first :P In the end, today I opened the document and in less than an hour the chapter pretty much wrote itself, haha! _

_It actually turned out a bit like Itachi's chapter… maybe 'cos they're partners and they're the two I like most out of all Akatsuki… in any case, there are two drabbles in one chapter (and I particularly like the second :P)._

_Well, enjoy!_

_We're nearing the end of this, un!_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**KISAME**_

Kisame had been quite happy to join Akatsuki because, much like Hidan, he loved killing and jumped at any chance he got; he was an ex-Kirigakure swordsman, one of the _Seven Swordsmen_, and nothing was better for Kisame than a swift and clean kill, when he could help it – he was a master on the matter of wire-killing, which was not a usual way to dispose of the enemy because you had to be stealthy enough to sneak on the opposing ninja and, being the ninja Kisame usually dealt with at least jounin, that wasn't easy also because he himself was not exactly stealthy – his other preferred weapon of murder was, of course, his adored sword: Samehada.

Samehada was a difficult companion to have around. Kisame still remembered the first time his instructor had presented her to him: the shark-like shinobi (nothing more than a newly promoted chunnin) had been terrified of the weapon, especially when the sensei had unfolded the bandages around the 'blade' – Kisame still regretted it that it'd been him who had wanted to see underneath but curiosity had gotten the better of him, "What are those bandages for? Is the sword hurt…?" he'd said (a rare moment of puberty-induced stupidity, he claimed later on) – and he'd seen the _scales_ standing on edge like an animal's fur… and the _mouth_. God, the mouth! Those sharp, SHARP teeth and DANGEROUS jaw snapping shut with a force that could surely break a man in half…

Kisame had run away screaming and flailing his arms about.

It took him a lot of coaxing and convincing from his jounin sensei before he even accepted to see the sword again; after that it was another three months before he agreed on trying to close his hand around the handle; then other two torturously long months for Kisame to start moving it with some sort of confidence, once he was sure Samehada would not turn and bit him – more like chomp a chunk of his body out – and overall little more than a year to feel comfortable while using it in combat.

Samehada was, without a doubt, a fearsome object – even Kisame's fellow Akatsuki members, with the exception of Hidan, were weary around it – and her wielder rejoiced in it, to the point of sparing his former sensei when he and the other Kiri Swordsmen had tried to take over the village: Kisame had let the man keep his life, true, but he couldn't let him go _unscathed_, now could he? So he'd been kind and had just slashed him, leaving the ninja alive but severely wounded – he remembered the strips of flesh hanging from the man's right arm with something as pride for his self-control.

In all the years Kisame had spend killing, not a single other ninja had had any chance against the sword; Samehada had been rather happy herself with him as a master, because the chakra she got to absorb out of their enemies was of a good quality – the more experienced and powerful the shinobi, the better her meal was – and, in general, Kisame treated her like a treasure. Sure, sometimes she got a bit out of hand when she was particularly hungry or excited, but that only served to give her an even fearsome image – Samehada couldn't help but shiver in happiness when she saw the frightened look enemies gave her, it was just too exciting!

… But a day came when both Kisame and Samehada, in a surprising display of empathy, understood the 'good ol' days' were coming around to nick them in the ass: the day someone looking at the unbandaged sword commented "That sucks." before turning on their heels and walking away… that person had been Uchiha Itachi.

From that day onward, Samehada refused to let Kisame take the bandages away when the Uchiha was in the same room – same hide-out, same city, same village, same country… same _universe_. Once she had tried to incapacitate Itachi taking a couple of fingers, or preferably an entire hand, off of his body…

That hadn't worked.

Itachi had stared the sword down with his impassive, red eyes narrowed to slits and Samehada had found herself inside the world created with Tsukuyomi, where the Uchiha was taking out her scales one by one… when she got released, Kisame was crying his eyes out – looking rather disgusting with his shark-ish features overflowed by tears and snot – and telling his partner how _utterly cruel_ and _twisted_ and _heartless_ he was and that if he ever did that again he would hide all his purple nail polish… of course, Itachi had not been happy to hear the threat and Kisame was left with disturbing images running through his head as aftermath of a terrible illusion.

* * *

"…………" Itachi was obviously angry and annoyed: the number of dots was proof of that and Kisame had been his partner long enough to learn most of the little signs that helped him decipher the other's mood.

"What's wrong? You look irritated…" he asked.

"…… Ggh!…" it was so low that you couldn't catch it if you weren't waiting for it.

"Oh…! Orochimaru's giving you a hard time, eh?"

"Hn."

"What did he do this time? Hid in your closet to try and catch you changing…?"

"…" small shake of the head.

"Hid your SpongeBob keychain?" Kisame tried again.

"…" another shake of the dark-haired head.

"Did he—" Kisame cut himself off noticing something. He tried not to laugh as he spoke. "Did he try to put make up on you while sleeping…?"

"!!"

"Yes, I noticed…" he was having difficulty at stifling his grin.

"…… Hn!" Itachi was glaring at him.

"No!" Kisame was shaking his head, trying to calm his partner down. "I don't think it's funny, really!!!"

"Tz'!" Itachi didn't believe him – who would? The other was trembling in effort to keep his laughter in check. "Tsukuyomi." the Uchiha mumbled before walking away.

"AAAAHH!!!!!" Kisame was left in the reddish world created by Itachi, looking himself in a mirror: he looked like a color-blind drag queen with a horrible taste for fashion…

* * *

**10**** things you'll never hear coming from: Kisame**

_**1)**_ "Having Itachi as partner is sooo much fun!!" _[smiling brightly]_

_**2)**_ "Gah! I'm NOT a shark, dammit! I'm a freaking DOLPHIN!! Don't you see it?!?!" _[baring his very shark-like teeth]_

_**3)**_ "My name is Kisame, but I'm not from Ame/I love using metal wire so don't you go spiking my ire/I'm warning you: you'll get turned into mou!" _[rapping; _trying_ to rap]_

_**4)**_ "Me and Itachi can have such deep conversations!"

_**5)**_ "My favourite cartoon when I was little was _'Street Sharks'_ they were **so** cool swimming in the concrete!" _[bouncing on the balls of his feet]_

_**6)**_ "I can't hold my breath for more than ten seconds… humiliating…"

_**7)**_ "Aaaahh!!! Someone help me, I can't swim!!!" _[drowning in a puddle of water 3 inches deep]_

_**8)**_ "My favourite color is… erm… lemme think… ah, yeah! Yellow!!"

_**9)**_ "Oowww! Damn sword…!! I'm your master!! You can't hurt **me** when I attempt to use you!!!! You should cut **other people**!!!!!" _[wrapping his bleeding hand in bandages]_

_**10)**_ "Glub… glubglub gluuub! Gl-uuubb!!" _[arguing with a dumb fish named Magickarp] [adapted form Smiley's suggestion: thanks :D]_


	34. Zetsu

_Hi everyone :D_

_I've had a lot of trouble with this chapter because Zetsu is a pretty difficult character, seeing as there's close to no info about him… the chapter in itself was not too challenging (in fact it didn't take me long to write), what held me back were the sentences – I couldn't for the life of me come up with 10 things he'd never say, so I stopped at 5 ^^" Sorry if they're not that funny… :P_

_Ja ne,  
Temari 88_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**ZETSU**_

Zetsu was, without an ounce of doubt, THE most mysterious member of Akatsuki. He – or should I say they? – was a psycho.

Everyone inside that organization is a psycho, you could counter… and you'd be right: not one of the nuke-nin Akatsuki was composed of was sane (not even by ninja standards, and that's saying something), but it shouldn't surprise that much… I mean what do you expect from a criminal organization ruled by an old coot – because having the same age as the deceased Shodaime Hokage meant you were _**old**_ – that's convinced that the moon is not simply a big, large, heavy chunk of rock but a _sealed Byjuu_…?! And if you add the fact that this 'old coot' fakes to be an idiotic lollipop-mask-wearing shinobi following the orders given by a just as fake (though younger) leader, well do your math: it'd obvious that people with severe mental disorders would gang up together – for comfort, no doubt: the good old saying 'there's always someone in a worse condition than you'.

So, yes, each and every one of them was crazy; yet Zetsu somehow managed to outdo them all – with the exception of Madara – doing practically nothing. The others went about searching for Jinchuuriki or killing shinobi and just generically causing havoc and getting paid for it by some of the Elemental Countries (they were mercenaries in the free time)… whereas Zetsu was too weak – for S-class shinobi standards – to fight so he did nothing but gather information and standing stoically beside Madara, with whom he seemed to have an ambiguous 'relationship'… there was a rumour, among Akatsuki, saying that Madara actually _cultivated_ him – planted him in a vase when he was a seed and took care of him…

Oh, but of course he had his hobbies! One of them was to creep the shit out of everyone by eating people in front of them – offering to share from time to time, which helped to freak them out further - making approving yet disgusting sounds all the while… sounds so revolting that once Kisame did the awful mistake of taking a peak while Zetsu was 'dining' and promptly retched on the floor, barely missing Itachi – who had turned a very faint shade of green himself just listening to the _squelch_ of flesh getting ripped off of bones.

Shinobi like them looked on death with a cold heart and an encompassing indifference; or with a fierce pleasure. Cannibalism was a completely different thing altogether and most of them were revolted by Zetsu's eating habits.

Then there was the real reason why the plant-man was considered a psycho: his DID, multiple personality – in his case, double personality. He had two sides of him (literally): the white and the black… the creepy thing was that the two personalities co-existed at the same time. Every one of Zetsu's companions had been weirded out seeing him talk: the two halves of his mouth speaking different words at the same time, moving in two different ways in the exact same time… not to mention the fights between the left side and the right side – White Zetsu's hand trying to pry Black Zetsu's hand from his neck where it was strangling him… - all while a part of his mouth accused and the other tried to defend itself. It was mind bogging.

Yet it was nothing compared to the sight of Zetsu ripping himself apart to actually become two… that was even more disgusting then his feedin— _no_, there really was nothing worse than that.

* * *

**"****WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THING YOU'RE DOING?!?!"** the shrieking voice was so strong in its anger that everyone in the hideout heard and went to locate the place where the commotion was coming from.

"… Un, Zetsu eh?" said Deidara, looking around to see who was missing.

"No shit she-sherlock." deadpanned Hidan throwing a look at the blond.

"What the fuc—!!"

"Shut it, Deidara." interrupted Sasori, surprisingly out of his puppet Haruko.

"Gah! There's no need to be so harsh, idiot!" came a voice from inside Zetsu's room – from the tone and the lack of swearwords, it was White.

**"****I'll do it however I want to, fucker, and you'll take that and stuck it in your mouth, understood?! That's what you get for doing it without my permission!"** that was Black.

"Just what's going on in there?" wondered aloud Kisame eyeing the door; the others all shrugged.

"Aaah~~!" that sounded suspiciously like a groan coming from White Zetsu, a pleased one at that. "Mmmm!! That's delicious~~!" the listeners sharply turned to look at each other, a feeling of dread seeping into their bodies.

"What the hell…?" whispered Hidan, fingering the necklace with the triangle hanging from his neck.

**"****I told you, didn't I? I'm surprised to see you've gotten it all in…****"** commented Black.

"Yeah, you were right; it has a very peculiar taste… but next time I'd like to _eat_ it on my own."

"……" the listeners were all too shocked to talk.

"That's it. I'm not listening to any more of this." Kisame shuddered and walked away followed by everyone else but Konan.

**"…** **Yeah…**** this popsicle is fucking good."**

"… Ah… damn it and here I thought it was something more interesting… instead it's just a squabble over ice cream, tch." with that, the woman walked away too.

* * *

**5**** things you'll never hear coming from: Zetsu**

_**1)**_ _*Zetsu gets punched in the face*_ "WHO DID THAT?! **I did it.** You just hit me, but aren't you hurting yourse-" _*gets punched*_ "OUCH! Right, it's on!" _[Zetsu begins to fight with himself, earning disturbed stares from other Akatsuki members] [suggested by Lerryn: thanks :D]_

_**2)**_ "Gah! Fucking plant, how dare you bit me?!?!"

_**3)**_ "… Mmmmh… you're pretty attractive, eh miss?" _[trying to woo a bush of roses]_

_**4)**_ "**WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! **Reading a book, why…? **You traitor!! Those filthy fucking things are done with our brothers!!!** We don't have brothers. We were raised in a pot, stupid. **The fact remains that books are made of paper!** Yeah, so? **So?! Paper is done with trees, dammit…!** I still don't see your point…"

_**5)**_ _*Zetsu is standing still, keeping an eye out for any enemies; a dog makes its way near him, sniffing*_ "What the fuck!!! I'm not your bathroom, furball!!!!" _[Zetsu aims a kick at the dog]_


	35. Tobi Madara

_Hello everyone! :D_

_I'm a little sad at saying this but… __this is the last chapter of 'Things Happening To…' :(_

_It has been really fun to write this and I plan on revising a couple of chapters that I don't like (namely Naruto's and Jiraya's… and maybe Kankurou's), so I won't put the story on _complete_ yet… if you want drop by to see if you like them better too, you're welcome to do so! :) I already have the ideas so it won't take long to replace them…_

_As for this chapter, there are some 'heavy'__** SPOILERS CONCERNING THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS OF THE MANGA**__, you've been warned!_

_I'm finished for now._

_Ja n__e,  
__Temari 88 XD_

* * *

**THINGS HAPPENING TO…**

_**TOBI/MADARA**_

"I came here because I want to join forces with you. I'm sure you'll find my abilities useful." said Kabuto, eyeing him with that creepy half-Orochimarentine (Orochimaru + serpentine) face.

"Why do you think I need you?" replied Madara, not showing the surprise and the slight goose bumps crawling down his arms – the mask and the ridiculous clock _were_ of some use, it seemed. "I am well prepared for the war without your (dubious) help…"

"Oh, but you see, Madara-kun, I haven't absorbed Master's DNA for fun, I—"

"Oh really?... Because the last time I saw you, you were positively trying to get into his pants…" Madara commented, interrupting Kabuto whose face had turned a light pink.

It took Kabuto a couple of seconds to regain his cool, then he swiftly lifted his hands and slammed them together before kneeling on the ground to press them onto the dirt; with a cry of _**"Edo Tensei!"**_, five coffins erupted before Madara. The creep fan of Orochimaru's rose to his feet with a glint of satisfaction in his Orochimaru-like eyes and a smirk; on the other side, the leader of Akatsuki stood watching his long lost paw— uuh, companions standing (quite dead) a few feet from him.

"I offer to give you back these five here, if you let me join your ranks." said Kabuto.

Madara kept silent. Inside the coffins were Itachi, Sasori Deidara, Kakuzu and— who was the last one?? Hidan? With a frown, the man spoke up. "Who's that last one there…?"

"Huh?!" Kabuto walked in front of the last open coffin, looking at the corpse. "Don't you even recognize the people who's worked for you?! That's Nagato!"

Now Madara was really confused. "Nagato?! That can't be him!" he crossed his arms in front of his chest, determined. "How can that be Nagato…??"

"Are you saying I got the wrong body?!" Kabuto was deeply offended – even if a sliver of doubt was beginning to enter his mind.

"I'm saying that's more likely to be Hidan!"

"No, I'm positive the corpse over here is Nagato's."

"And I'm positive it is NOT. Nagato has black hair, not white! Fuck, not even _Pein_ had white hair but orange, _all six of them_!!" countered Madara, now annoyed at Kabuto's insistence when he could perfectly see the hair color. "I might have only one hole for my eyes, but that doesn't mean I'm color blind, dammit!!"

"No. I repeat: that's Na-ga-to." Kabuto had crossed his arms too.

"You want to know another thing…?" Madara spoke up again. "That body has shoulder-length hair; Nagato's hair went all the way down his back!"

The two ninja stood there, staring each other in the eyes, glaring and swearing inside their minds; each was certain of what he'd said and refused to let the other win this 'battle'… they were more than ready to stay there all day until one gave up – unlikely to happen, since Kabuto had had the persistence to try and get into Orochimaru's pants for as long as he'd served the Snake Sannin and Madara had planned to take over the world, no matter how long it took, and wasn't stopping even if everyone laughed behind his back at his idea that the _moon_ was a _Byjuu _(did I mention how ridiculous that is, by the way…?).

Then, Kabuto remembered something. A trump card; an ace card; a card that would probably turn the old ninja on his side. He smirked, cackling evilly even if he had not paid the credits for such (because the rights of the Evil Cackle™ were primarily Shukaku's and Orochimaru's), slamming his hands on the ground for the second time.

"Let's see what you'll say after seeing this, eh Madara-kun?"

A sixth coffin sprung up, its lid falling down with a dull _thud_. For two long minutes not a single sound was heard from Madara, while Kabuto just kept showing that creepy smile so like Orochimaru's ones: he knew why the other had tensed up suddenly. Madara's left hand, abandoned at his side, began twitching like there was electricity running through his body: he was thoroughly shocked.

"Is that— is that—" the leader of Akatsuki couldn't finish the sentence, but Kabuto knew what he was trying to say.

"Oh yes, it is." was all the half-snake said. "I've already placed a soul inside it…"

As the last letter had just come out, Madara had promptly turned his back on the other and thrown his arms into the air before— **"GYYYYAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!"** —running away at full speed as the zombie started to walk out of the coffin.

"'Ara-chan, come on, mommy has come to greet you…!" was saying the revived corpse, following Madara around the room – _keeping up_ with him – "Don't be rude, musuko, I want to see your face! It's been such a long time, what with that awful mask?! Come on, let mommy see you clearly, 'Ara-chan!!!"

"Nooooo!!! Stay away from meee!!" Madara continued running around with his mother hot on his tail, while Kabuto stood placidly next to the five coffins with the dead Akatsuki members, enjoying the show and thinking it was a pity he didn't have a camera… still, now Madara's alliance was secured.

* * *

**10 Things you'll never hear coming from: Tobi/Madara**

_**1)**_ "Hashirama-kun and I were the best of friends! I even proposed him to be the First Hokage!!" _[smiling brightly]_

_**2)**_ "We need to freshen up the Uchiha image a bit… all this gloom is starting to get out-fashioned…" _[talking to his brother]_

_**3)**_ "Please don't listen to anything that comes out of my mouth, I'm a mad man you know…"

_**4)**_ "I've been told I'm a obsessive-compulsive freak, but I don't think— Gaaaahh! Who misplaced the Sharingan eyes?!?! I'll kill you!!!!!" _[frantically replacing the eyes under the exact label]_

_**5)**_ "There's a reason why I wear this mask… I like lollipops!" _[licking his mask]_

_**6)**_ "I fear no one… but my mother."

_**7)**_ "Whoever was the idiot claiming the moon was a giant seal demon?!" _*people pointing at him*_ "THAT'S NOT TRUE!! LIARS!!"

_**8)**_ "I hate the Sharingan! It's too girly—it **twirls**!!" _[glaring at the mirror]_

_**9)**_ "Tobi isn't a good boy! Mwahahahaha!!!" _[Evil Cackle™, rights paid]_

_**10**__**)**_ "I hereby declare the 'Terrorist vs The Entire World' war has begun!!" _[destroying countries while playing Risiko, alone]_


	36. News Revised Chapter: Jiraya

_Hello everyone!! :D_

_As promised, I will modify two or three chapters of which I didn't like the original version; I'll publish a 36__th__ chapter every time I upload the revised chapter to let you know, because obviously I'll simply replace the old one…_

_Okay, this said, the new first chapter is up! Go back to 'Naruto' and see if you like that better! :P I do! Haha!!_

_-x-_

_4/29/2010_

_EDIT! _

_New chapter 24 up: Jiraya has it when someone decides to take revenge on him always spying on women!! Go, read, and laugh!!! _

_Ja ne,  
__Temari 88 XD_


End file.
